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Night Light

"You, O Lord, keep my lamp burning; my God turns my darkness into light..."

Daddy was out of town so my little one and I slept at Nanny and Poppy's. When the moon was up, and eyes were droopy, we were getting ready to snuggle and snore together. As I turned the lights out, throwing the unfamiliar room into pitch black, my boy screamed, "Momma, where am I? I can't find me. Where did I go?"

Tears fell, his frantic voice cracking as he struggled to understand why the darkness had caused him to disappear. Even my nearness and touch provided little comfort. Solace could only be found when a night light was produced.

"I see me Momma. I right here and you right there." Big sigh. "Tank you for da light Momma. Now I can close my eyes."

"You O Lord, keep my lamp burning;
my God turns my darkness into light...

As for God, his way is perfect;
the word of the Lord is flawless.
He is a shield
for all who take refuge in Him.
For who is God beside the Lord?
And who is the Rock except our God?
It is God who arms me with strength
and makes my way perfect.
He makes my feet like the feet of a deer;
he enables me to stand on the heights.
He trains my hands for battle...

You give me your shield of victory,
and your right hand sustains me;
you stoop down to make me great."

Psalm 18: 28-36

Thank you, my Abba Father, for being my light in this night time. When darkness is overwhelming your Word is a constant lamp; a flame that cannot be snuffed out. And when my fears, questions, anger and doubt have weakened my pace, you stoop down to make me great. I am humbled by your affections. And in spite of the sorrow, I press on, following your light.

Rest and Restoration

by your still waters i rest
trusting in your faithfulness.
for your name you will make me whole;
you lift me above the pain
to the rock that is higher than i.

you are good.
you are good.
you are good.

your compassion is never ending,
you mercy overflows;
your love is bigger than the sorrow.
healing is poured over my soul
as you sing over me.

i can hear your song.
i can feel your gaze.
i am not alone on this road;
your foot falls next to mine on this journey.

hope is a declaration;
my hope is in you.
i declare your faithfulness.
i declare your glory.
i declare your goodness.

you are good.

YOU ARE.

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Mourning

The quiet moments are the hardest. When my heart feels like it will burst and my mind wanders once again to that blank screen, that empty womb. I waited to see a tiny heart fluttering life. All I saw was stillness. All I saw was black.

No baby. Just hormones and placenta, but no life. No heart. No tiny fingers to hold someday. No sweet lips and cheeks to kiss. No beautiful eyes to gaze into. Just nothingness.

Then hours of waiting in the hospital. Misery. Then days of waiting for answers. Anxiousness. And now emptiness and normal life co-mingle. How?

How do I go on when this ache is so deep and constant?

How do I breathe when I choke on the raw emotion lodged in my chest?

How do I find courage to hope again when the image burned in my minds eye is so bleak?

I know I will find Hope in You, but I am so lost and shattered today. So empty and angry and filled with questions.

I know You are God and You never change. I know Your love for me is greater than all the pain and bleakness. I know you are trustworthy, steadfast, faithful, kind. Right now I speak these things in faith.

My head knows, but my heart aches with doubt.

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Casey
I am a lover of: God... my sexy husband... 3 of the cutest kiddos in the world... deep friendships... a good book... music that moves me... the beach... sunshine... cooking... and laughter.
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