Finding Beauty

Covenant

2010-11-18T10:23:00.001-08:00

It has been a while. I have long thought of shutting this spot down completely but, for some reason, I cannot bring myself to do so. I am sure, after such a long hiatus, that no one reads anymore. I am okay with that.

I just finished skimming over my last dozen entries- what a difference a year makes! This journey has felt so much longer than 18 months and yet, in some ways, it feels as though it all began only yesterday.

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I have been a Christian my whole life. As long as I can remember Jesus has been apart of me and I've been about "his business". I know this is a privileged and now I can appreciate this much more than before.

Before, when I longed for a stronger testimony. When I was jealous of others who had life changing moments that rocked their worlds forever. When I wished I too had some marker in my life, some definitive line that all things moving forward hinge upon.

Before I turned 30 and grew wise. :)

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My twenty-ninth year will always be one remembered for the heartache it brought. Two miscarriages, 2 surgeries, 1 severely debilitating infection, and months of wandering in the desert. I stopped writing here because I was tried of hearing myself moan and mourn. Truthfully, I was just tried of myself. :)

But now, now I have something to say:

Thank you Jesus for your tender mercies. Thank you Father of my heart for carrying me through the darkest of dark places. Thank you Lover of my soul for wooing me without ceasing. For calling my name over and over again. Thank you Mighty to Save for showing me the battle plan. For bringing me through the desert into the Promised Land.

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My God, He is a Covenant Keeper. The convenant He made so long ago with Abraham, He made it with Himself.

"When the sun had set and darkness had fallen, a smoking firepot with a blazing torch appeared and passed between the pieces." Genesis 15:17

Abraham didn't walk through the pieces of the sacrificial animals. God the Father and God the Son did. The covenant He made He must keep because He made it with Himself.

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There is mercy in the darkness.

There is a Hope, really only One, that will chase the shadows away.

He is faithful. He is faithful. He is faithful.

Come Spring, I will once again see His faithfulness in the most tangible of ways, the eyes of a babe.

Shadows

2010-03-02T09:53:00.000-08:00

He reveals the deep things of darkness and bring deep shadows into the light.
Job 12:22

There are days, much like the past few, when the shadows are coal-black. When darkness hovers and thoughts get cloudy. My eyes ache for signs of life. My soul thirsts for greener pastures.

I long for the sun to chase away the shadows.

I beseech the Son to drive out the darkness.

It is an old battle, this anxious, soul scaring sorrow. Years have past since its last visit, but it feels much the same as it did then. I analyze. Is it fear? Longing? Misplaced desire? Sky high expectations? Self thoughts? Lack of faith?

Truth reveals: all of the above. Bust mostly? Too much me and not enough Him.

Strange, because I've never felt closer. Like the deer I pant. Like the Psalmist, although answer are not at the ready, I will stand firm in my resolve.

Why so downcast, O my soul? Why so disturbed within me? Put your hope in God, for I will yet praise him, my Savior and my God.

Psalm 42:11

{The thing about shadows? They wouldn't exist without the sun.}

Finding Beauty

2010-02-18T09:15:00.000-08:00

"My comfort in my suffering is this: Your promise preserves my life."
Psalm 119:50

The days have been filled with the ordinary: cleaning, changing diapers, kissing stubbed toes, trying out new recipes, and me, stumbling my way along this journey. Putting one foot in front of the other and then, on a good day, reaching beyond that into moments filled with wonder.

I have made a point of looking for the beauty in the past weeks. Really seeking out that which radiates with His glory. Some days, like today, it's more difficult. Yet I've learned that it is never impossible. His glory, His image is everywhere I turn. It is my eyes that scale over and lose focus. It is my perspective that needs shifting.

He is a covenant keeper. He said He'd make beauty of ashes. He said He would provide rest for the weary. Restore broken souls. And He is mighty to save.

He said it and I believe it.

So, I will look past the mundane. I choose [because it is a choice] to see His beauty, His delight. I choose to rest on His promise.

He redeems the ordinary and shows me beauty everyday.

Lord, remove the veil that I might see You more clearly.

*Photos taken on a warmer day, many months ago. :)

The Overflow, pt. 2

2010-01-29T12:09:00.000-08:00

This week I have found beauty in big and small things alike, and once again this heart is filled with gratitude...

8) simple treasures passed down from a loving heart
9) ordinary moments that make my heart soar

10) friends who speak boldly into my life

11) shadows that produce stronger faith

12) faithful words, that accomplish much

13) peals of laughter

14) chocolate :)

The Overflow

2010-01-22T11:35:00.000-08:00

Thankfulness, from a heart that overflows...

1) for sun that warms, even on a cold day

2) for a chatty boy who cheers me during the cheerless chores of the day

3) for quiet moments submerged in holy conversation

4) for progress, no matter how insignificant

5) for snuggles under warm covers with husband, boy and dog... a pile of pure joy

6) for souls to walk this journey with, whom inspire and encourage along the way

7) for my love, who faithfully and graciously does the dinner dishes

You anoint my head with oil; my cup overflows.
Psalm 23:5

Bread of Life

2010-01-13T12:22:00.000-08:00

"... he leads me beside quiet waters, he restores my soul..."

Psalm 23: 3

Here is where I have lived the last six months; inhaling every last bit of life, promise, hope, comfort from His words.

Isaiah 43: 1-7

Psalm 23

Psalm 61: 1-4

Psalm 62

O Lord, that you would speak and I would listen. That I would know your heart for me. Your unending mercies that are new every morning. (The joy that brings! New mercies every morning!) Your faithfulness to see me though all of life's circumstances. Your promise to finish what you began in me. How humbled I am by your kind generosity.

Love

2010-01-10T15:34:00.000-08:00

My mom recently shared a story with me that has shifted my perspective about loving well. The story is simple and goes like this:

For years Mom would grumble and complain every time she had to clean Dad's discarded whiskers from the bathroom vanity. In anger Mom would ask Dad, "Please remember to do it yourself next time!" In frustration, the next day, Mom would once again clean up those whiskers.

One day as Mom was wiping at the counter, contempt-filled thoughts flowing, the Holy Spirit opened up her eyes and shifted her perspective. In a whisper the Spirit asked, "What will you do when he's gone?"

The realization of not having whiskers to clean up in the future was too much for her to bear. Mom immediately sought forgiveness and now gratefully, and with much joy, sweeps up Dad's precious whiskers every morning.

It's easy to love with feeling and emotion. It is hard to love with practical reason and mundane tasks. We are called, as lovers and Christ followers, to love completely, unconditionally.

Hope

2009-12-18T12:52:00.000-08:00

"Guide me in your truth and teach me, for you are God my Savior, and my hope is in you all day long."
Psalm 25:5

My intention was never to abandon this blog; nor was my intention for it to turn into a sad place. Yet here I am, many weeks between posts, coming to write again as my heart is heavy. The topic is the same as the last few times I've stopped in... mourning.

Most days I am good. Most days I smile, love on my child and husband, and I am happy and whole. Today, like a few other days sprinkled amongst the rest, I am sad. I am mourning a loss that was never really mine to being with.

I think this is the hardest part for me... this baby that I lost wasn't really there. There was no embryo, no fetus, no life. Just placenta and raging hormones. I cannot find comfort in the thought of a little one waiting for me in heaven because there was no little one. Yet my heart loved so deeply. And my mind raced ahead to create a new nursery in our little house. I day-dreamed of names and was aching to buy all things pink and girly.

At this point in the pregnancy we would be finding out if we were having a boy or a girl. I would be getting nice and round, being near 6 months along. I would be beseeching the Lord for a small child this time around (not the 11.2 lbs of my firstborn). I would be buying small things to hide under the tree for Jaron to open for his new sibling. As a family we would be making plans and buying a bigger car.

These days, when those thoughts fill my every moment... these are hard days. Days when bed seems like a good place to hide. When tears come and my heart struggles to remember the Hope I have found.

But I do have hope. I am confident in my gracious Redeemer, because He is gracious. He is compassionate. He is loving.* I am confident that He who began a good work in me will be faithful to complete it. I have no doubt that He is my Abba Father. My refuge, my fortress, my deliverer.

Someday, I will again hold a newborn in my arms-- one that belongs to me at least for a little while-- and I will see His goodness. I will see His love. Right now I trust in what I know to be true and I wait for the future. On a sad day, that is what brings me comfort.

*Did you know that is says that at least 6 different times in the bible? Here, here, here, here, here and here are the ones I found after a quick search.

You are still God.

2009-10-30T13:11:00.000-07:00

"... yet I will rejoice in the Lord! I will be joyful in the God of my salvation!" Habakuk 3:18

Endless leaves fall. Today the winds have blown steady and the down pour of yellow, red and orange is almost complete. Mere days since a glance out my window made me gasp at the sea of lime green.

All things change. What is happening in the physical world around me is a dramatic representation of what is happening inside of me.

The Lord gives, and the Lord takes away, yet my heart does not always bless His name in the midst of pain. One week into my mourning this is what was scratched into my journal, "I don't want to say yes to Your faithfulness if this is what it looks like. I AM ANGRY AT YOU!"

Tears fall even now, as I struggle to over come those same emotions. It is hard to make sense of loss. It is hard to understand why. Why? Why!

It is is hard to keep my heart soft. Daily I reach out, time and again, begging for mercy. Then begging for forgiveness for the words I have hurled at Him in my mind.

Daily He forgives. Daily He embraces. Daily He loves.

The gentleness of His touch calms me. Centers me. Fills me with courage to trust, love, hope.

"Even though the fig trees have no blossoms,
and there are no grapes on the vines;
even though the olive crop fails,
and the fields lie empty and barren;
even though the flocks die in the fields,
and the cattle barns are empty,
yet I will rejoice in the Lord!
I will be joyful in the God of my salvation!"

Habakuk 3:17-18

The trees shed their leaves and they know they know they will be clothed again. Because He is faithful.

So, I will trust in Him.

This is my prayer in the desert
When all that's within me feels dry
This is my prayer in my hunger and need
My God is the God who provides

This is my prayer in the harvest
When favor and providence flow
I know I'm filled to be emptied again
The seed I've received I must sow

All of my life
In every season
You are still God
I have a reason to sing
I have a reason to worship

(Listen here: Dessert Song, Hillsong)

His Song

2009-10-20T13:37:00.000-07:00

"Show me your face, let me hear your voice; for your voice is sweet and your face is lovely." Song of Solomon 2:14

Stepping quietly into His presence, I can feel His breath tickle my ear, "Be still."

Lids drop, thoughts slow. Deep breath.

"Hello, Lord."

"Hello, Beloved."

I feel Him close; my heart races... then slows as He draws near. I know this time is sacred, and so very, very needed. The peace that comes is overwhelming.

I rest as He sings His song over me.

"Show me your face, let me hear your voice; for your voice is sweet and your face is lovely." (Song of Solomon 2:14)

"You have stolen my heart, my sister, my bride; you have stolen my heart with one glance of your eyes." (Song of Solomon 4:9)

"Find rest in Me alone. I am your salvation. I am your rock, your unshakable fortress." (Psalm 62: 1&2)

"I am behind you and go before you. My hand is upon you. I surround you always. I created you fearfully and wonderfully. You are not hidden from me. I have ordained your days." (Psalm 139: 5, 13, 16)

"I take great delight in you. I will quiet you with my love. I will rejoice over you with my song." (Zephaniah 3:17)

His love is so real. Words true and life-giving. These moments, cherished. Precious. Sacred. Every blink, He knows. Every sigh, He understands. A heart full of wonder, once again about to burst.

"You are beautiful. You are my treasure."

His words, a treasure themselves. Buried deep. Kept in the secret place to always remember and hold dear.

I don't want to lose this moment. This quiet presence.

Your beauty surrounds me and I am overcome. Come, Lord, linger. Invade, walk the halls of this house. Holy Spirit, dwell here. Make this your home. My heart is set on you; my gaze is fixed on you. You are my desire, and I return to you, my first love.

Night Light

2009-09-30T16:00:00.000-07:00

"You, O Lord, keep my lamp burning; my God turns my darkness into light..."

Daddy was out of town so my little one and I slept at Nanny and Poppy's. When the moon was up, and eyes were droopy, we were getting ready to snuggle and snore together. As I turned the lights out, throwing the unfamiliar room into pitch black, my boy screamed, "Momma, where am I? I can't find me. Where did I go?"

Tears fell, his frantic voice cracking as he struggled to understand why the darkness had caused him to disappear. Even my nearness and touch provided little comfort. Solace could only be found when a night light was produced.

"I see me Momma. I right here and you right there." Big sigh. "Tank you for da light Momma. Now I can close my eyes."

"You O Lord, keep my lamp burning;
my God turns my darkness into light...

As for God, his way is perfect;
the word of the Lord is flawless.
He is a shield
for all who take refuge in Him.
For who is God beside the Lord?
And who is the Rock except our God?
It is God who arms me with strength
and makes my way perfect.
He makes my feet like the feet of a deer;
he enables me to stand on the heights.
He trains my hands for battle...

You give me your shield of victory,
and your right hand sustains me;
you stoop down to make me great."

Psalm 18: 28-36

Thank you, my Abba Father, for being my light in this night time. When darkness is overwhelming your Word is a constant lamp; a flame that cannot be snuffed out. And when my fears, questions, anger and doubt have weakened my pace, you stoop down to make me great. I am humbled by your affections. And in spite of the sorrow, I press on, following your light.

Rest and Restoration

2009-09-26T16:44:00.000-07:00

by your still waters i rest
trusting in your faithfulness.
for your name you will make me whole;
you lift me above the pain
to the rock that is higher than i.

you are good.
you are good.
you are good.

your compassion is never ending,
you mercy overflows;
your love is bigger than the sorrow.
healing is poured over my soul
as you sing over me.

i can hear your song.
i can feel your gaze.
i am not alone on this road;
your foot falls next to mine on this journey.

hope is a declaration;
my hope is in you.
i declare your faithfulness.
i declare your glory.
i declare your goodness.

you are good.

YOU ARE.

Mourning

2009-09-15T10:44:00.000-07:00

The quiet moments are the hardest. When my heart feels like it will burst and my mind wanders once again to that blank screen, that empty womb. I waited to see a tiny heart fluttering life. All I saw was stillness. All I saw was black.

No baby. Just hormones and placenta, but no life. No heart. No tiny fingers to hold someday. No sweet lips and cheeks to kiss. No beautiful eyes to gaze into. Just nothingness.

Then hours of waiting in the hospital. Misery. Then days of waiting for answers. Anxiousness. And now emptiness and normal life co-mingle. How?

How do I go on when this ache is so deep and constant?

How do I breathe when I choke on the raw emotion lodged in my chest?

How do I find courage to hope again when the image burned in my minds eye is so bleak?

I know I will find Hope in You, but I am so lost and shattered today. So empty and angry and filled with questions.

I know You are God and You never change. I know Your love for me is greater than all the pain and bleakness. I know you are trustworthy, steadfast, faithful, kind. Right now I speak these things in faith.

My head knows, but my heart aches with doubt.

Adrift

2009-06-22T11:12:00.001-07:00

Life has been busy. Busy like the homework teachers give when they need to fill time. Or reach a quota. Seems like a lot of life is filled with this sort of busy.

In the midst of all this busy-ness I have allowed myself to drift from the safety of His shadow. Now I am struggling to get back.

Can I just walk back in, or do I have to wait for an invitation?

Sudsy Input Needed

2009-04-22T07:13:00.000-07:00

We are in the market for a new washer and dryer. Our new place does not have them and we have been debating going the used/Craigslist route or buying new.

So, lovely bloggy friends, HELP!

- What brand do you like?
- How big?
- Where to buy?
- Front or top loading?
- What bells and whistles are worth paying for and which can I go without?
- Is Energy Star worth it? Does the payout in the end really justify the hefty up front price tag?

Also, one set we are looking at is made by Amana. I have never heard of this particular brand before but consumer reports and customer reviews are rating them high. Anyone out there have any knowledge to impart?

I need some beauty in the land of laundry as this is the task I dread the most. Help me find some laundry lovin'!!

Crazy

2009-04-20T06:37:00.000-07:00

We move 1 week from today. My house should be declared a disaster area and the appraisal guy comes at 3 o'clock.

To top this off I have an almost 2 year old teething 2 year molars and throwing himself head first into all that is the so called terrible 2's.

Oh. Joy.

I want a margarita and the beach.

And a babysitter.

The Firstborn

2009-04-13T11:50:00.000-07:00

Here's the thing, I'm a first born. Oldest of 3 kids and the only girl. I would say that my brothers and I all fit the typical birth order stereotypes pretty well. For the first half of my life I was content with being me; bossy, opinionated, organized, detailed, and so on.

As I got older I realized that some of the traits are not so much fun to have. Group assignments always found me stuck with the majority of the work because everyone knew I was good to get it done. Friends shied away from talking to me because my opinion was spoken with force instead of love. Work found me tackling the sorts of projects no one else wanted to do because I could solve the problem and figure out the details.

Internally, I longed to be the cheerleader. The popular girl. The homecoming queen. (Though in the spirit of full disclosure I was a homecoming princess, but I swear it was a fluke.) :)

As I am now a bit older, and hopefully wiser, I am learning the fine art of balance. Oh, it's so hard! But it is getting easier.

------------------------

This is a summary of what I learned on my internet "vacation"...

I don't have to be the first born anymore.

Jesus is the first born and He's got all the bases covered for me. I don't have to do more than what's in front of me at this very moment. And I don't have to "look good" for anyone but Him.

Can I get an Amen?!?!

Empty Vessel

2009-02-20T12:11:00.000-08:00

So, I am less than a week away from giving up the internet for 40 days. Ugh! In the interest of full disclosure-- I am dreading it! This week I've been paying attention to when I log on to the internet and, well, let's just say it's staggering how much I rely on the World Wide Web.

** Need a recipe? Just jump on to Allrecipes.com and problem solved.

** Weird, unexplainable stomach cramp? Why, WebMD.com has the answer!

** Has the title of a book you read in 5th grade slipped your mind? Good thing Amazon.com knows which one it is.

** Looking for the latest theory on your favorite TV show? Well, take your pick.

Um, yeah, I need a break.

............

I want things to be different in my life and I feel as though I have lost a certain intimacy I once had with Him. That is what this season is all about for me. Not just a fast, which feels so… oh, I don’t know… obligatory. Rather I want this to be an offering. An act of worship. An empty vessel. (Yes, I know that’s what a fast is, but it’s all about how the wording plays out in my head.)

Please know that I am not telling you about this to make myself look good to you. I have mentioned it for 3 reason’s; 1) I want you to know where I’ve gone when I disappear for a while; 2) Maybe, maybe, I will inspire someone else in my journey; 3) Accountability.

I know that several have asked me to journal during this time and I am still thinking about it. Sunday's are not counted in the 40 days of fasting, they are seen as a celebratory time. So, I might post an update or two on a Sunday. I'll wait and see how it feels.

Either way, I will journal as I go, and when the time is over I will share with you what I can. (As a side note-- I will still be checking/sending email as that was not a part of what I am "offering" up. I can check it without logging on and email is a vital source of communication in our household.)

Is anyone else out there making an offering for Lent?

(Oh by the way, Lent starts next Wednesday, Ash Wednesday, and goes until Easter.)

Reality

2009-02-12T11:19:00.000-08:00

I was just reading Meredith's blog and she posted on a topic that has been weighing on my heart lately. I am going to piggy back off of her topic with some of my own thoughts....

I would like to think that I have been pretty transparent on this blog. Actually, I think I am more real here than I am in real life sometimes. I find it easier to share the ugly parts with people who I only sort of know. Yet, in truth, I think y'all probably know me best.

...............

For about a year I had a little reminder written in lipstick on my bedroom mirror. Every time I put on makeup, checked an outfit, or fluffed my hair this little note was staring back at me. Day after day I would read it aloud and repeat it over and over, hoping that it would sink into my heart and free me from my perfectionism.

"I am who I am."

It didn't help. I windexed it off.

Here's the thing, I am ugly. I am messy. I am loud, and controlling, and I do not have all my sh*t together. (And I cuss!) I struggle with anxiety and depression. I HATE gloomy weather. I do not read my bible every day. I do not shower every day. Sometimes I only wash my hair once a week! (Heaven forbid!) I am overweight. I think judgmental thoughts. I gossip. I lie, to myself mostly, but I do lie. I envy, I have unrighteous anger.

And sometimes, okay A LOT of times, I do all those things (and more) in one day!

But that's just me. It's who I am and I have no problem admitting the bad stuff.

A few days ago I was looking through some old photos. I came across a series of pictures of myself that I had not seen in a long time. I stared for a long time, looking at each photo thoroughly, and I realized something.

I am beautiful.

Why is it so hard to admit the good stuff?

...............

Lent is coming up and I've been thinking about what I am going to "give up". I can barely even type the words, but I think I am going to give up the Internet. Blogs, Facebook, Youtube, People.com, Craigslist, All Recipes (yikes!), etc. All of it. For 40 days.

I'm getting all sweaty just thinking about it.

But here's the truth- the internet is just one more hurdle in my struggle to admit the good stuff. It's hard to read other blogs and think that everyone else has their sh*t together when mine has just hit the fan. I can't help but compare myself to the rest of the good mommy bloggers out there.

And honestly, this thing just sucks up my time. It is a distraction from making the changes in my "real" life that I need to make. I want to live authentically. Not just blog it, but live it.

So, that's what I am going to do. I'm gonna throw myself at the Lords feet and walk out my life, authentically, and as naked as figuratively possible.

And when I come back, if I come back, maybe I'll blog about it. ;)

Why I Love My Husband: Reason #756,859

2009-01-22T12:54:00.000-08:00

After an especially long and hectic afternoon, he offers to bring something home for dinner so I don't have to cook. And, as an added bonus he plans on taking the toddler out for a while so I can let silence tickle my ear drums.

Ah, the luxury.

He's my hero.

Exercise

2009-01-14T06:52:00.000-08:00

Me- Start the Winsor Pilate's 20 minute Burn work out DVD.

Jaron- Get head stuck behind furniture. Scream

Me- Pause DVD to help Jaron get unstuck. Comfort screaming toddler.

Jaron- Get head stuck behind furniture... again. Scream... again.

Me- Pause DVD to help Jaron get unstuck... again. Comfort screaming toddler... again.

Jaron- Disappear after a few minutes of "behaving".

Me- Pause the DVD after "hearing" silence for too long. Discover Jaron coloring daddy's pillow with a blue high-liter. Disciple toddler.

Jaron- Throw tantrum before the word "No" even hits Mommy's lips.

Me- Choose not to battle fit. Ignore fit. Clean up mess.

Jaron- Mad at lack of attention. Escape while Mommy's distracted. Find more trouble to get into.

Me- Back to finish workout. Can't find remote to un-pause DVD. Look to Jaron.

Jaron- Smile mischievously at Mommy's stern look. Offer no help.

Me- Tear house apart looking for remote while trying to remain calm. Repeating mantra, "Do not loose your temper at helpless toddler".

Jaron- Start giggling. Offer no help.

Me- Find remote hidden in empty box in Jaron's room. Finish 20 minute workout DVD in 45 minutes. Put toddler down for nap. Put self down for nap.

"Who me?"

Embers, revisited

2009-01-05T04:05:00.000-08:00

This story starts a few posts ago, and it doesn't end with today's post. I think this is just the journey the Lord has me on right now. I can't say that I am totally thrilled about it, however I do think I am beginning to understand what it's all about.

Psalm 18 has been a bit of a challenge for me. I guess it has revealed in my heart some trust issues. Imagine that? A female with trust issues!? ;)

The psalm talks a lot about how the Lord will be my support and my shield. That he will enable me to stand and face my enemy. That he will, "stoop down to make me great" (vs 35).

Those are hard phrases for me, though the stooping down part gives me chills. I am lowly and he is lofty, yet he loves me. I am dark and he is light, yet he loves me. He is clean and holy and pure and because of his sacrifice I am too.

I guess it's the sacrifice part that is sometimes hard to accept. Does anyone else have a hard time with that? As a mom, as a perfectionist and someone who analyzes EVERYTHING, I find it very difficult to accept help. While studying this psalm I keep coming back to that.

I have the head knowledge of all this, but I guess sometimes my heart gets tripped up on pride.

Recently I read a corresponding passage (Psalm 91) that led to a bit of a breakthrough. Look at this....

"Because he loves me" says the Lord, "I will rescue him; I will protect him for he acknowledges my name. He will call upon me and I will answer him; I will be with him in trouble, I will deliver him and honor him." (emphasis mine)

Simply because I love him, he will not only rescue me, but he will honor me.

Wow. Does that hit you like it hit me? I hope so. I hope the deepth of that sinks into you today. All you have to-- ALL I HAVE TO DO-- is acknowlede his name and call to him. Doesn't mean my problem will *poof* go away, but it does mean that someone far greater than me is on the job.

The Message bible says it so awesomely... "From his palace he hears my call; my cry brings me right into his presence- a private audience!" (Pslalm 18:6)

How cool is that?

If you are in need of help, or strength; or if you feel like your enemies [enemies can also be things like depression, anxiety, bitterness, unforgiveness, etc] are closing in an all sides then I encourage you to read Psalm 18 and Psalm 91 today.

And seriously, isn't it just breath taking that he stoops down to make us great???

And A Happy Holidays To You...

2009-01-02T20:18:00.000-08:00

Being sick is the pits.

Taking care of a sick toddler is sad.

Having a sick husband is MISERABLE.

All of the above at the same time, during Christmas vacation, cannot be described in words I wish to publish on the blog. Use your imagination.

I'm going to bed.

A Boy's Winter Wonderland

2008-12-17T08:34:00.000-08:00

Well, it's official. This beach lovin' family has a snow lover amongst us. To be honest and completely fair, he LOVES just about everything that has to do with outside. During our beach vacation he adored the sand (okay, so he adored eating the sand, but still...).

Anyway, back to my point. My Jaron boy was ecstatic this morning to wake up to snow, snow and more snow. He has pretty much lived at our window all morning long.

He even insisted on eating his snack at the window. Because, you know, he wouldn't want to miss a single second of watching that snow fall.

The bonus that comes with the snow are all the snow plows, or "no now's" as he calls them. Every time one goes by he yells for me to come look.

And this, well this is his big, happy smiling face. I know, it's a bit cranky looking, but I promise, whenever I ask him to smile his happy smile, this is what I get.

I think his excitement might make a snow lover out of me yet!

Embers

2008-12-09T12:07:00.000-08:00

Jonathan and I meet with friends of ours every Monday night to worship together for an hour or so. We do this in harp and bowl style which is refreshing and challenging all at the same time. The last few weeks we have been singing through Psalm 18.

Y'all I have to be honest, it's crushing me. I don't know why but just getting through the first few verses is like trudging up a steep hill with 500 lbs on my back. In the dark. On an empty stomach.

In other words, it's rough. And I'm barely making it.

By verse 2 (which says, "The LORD is my rock, my fortress and my deliverer; my God is my rock, in whom I take refuge.") I am usually holding back tears. It's like the Lord is taking a fire poker and jamming it into the most tender place of my heart looking to stir up whatever embers lay there. It hurts and I don't like it.

I would like to take a cue from Jaron and throw myself on the floor and pitch a fit.

"Enough Lord!!! ENOUGH!"

I would like to go limp when He picks me up and just fall back to the floor. Because whenever that stupid fire poker thingy comes out it means stuff has to be dealt with. Old crap has to be cleaned up and cleared out. It usually means that a lot of work is ahead and I just am not in the mood to deal with it.

So there.

How's that for a little toddler fit??

Oh y'all. Why does it have to be so hard, this living life thing?

I suppose I'm just making it harder than it needs to be.

Also, I'm sorry that I have been MIA lately. Honestly I don't know what to say about it other than my priorities are just different right now. I have been thinking about stopping all together and just deleting this thing, but something keeps me from doing that. So for now, I'll blog when I have something to say and I will not pressure myself to keep this thing going on a daily basis. That okay with y'all??

A Little Innocence Lost

2008-11-17T10:37:00.000-08:00

So, play date at the library this morning. Met a couple girlfriends (See, I'm making progress in the friendship department ! Yay!) and their kiddos in the children section. I don't know if y'alls libraries are like this, but ours has this big area with toys and puppets for the kids to play with. Lots of kids running around and having fun. Great time for mom's to chat and have some "bonding" time. :)

Anyway, kids are playing and running around everywhere. Jaron wanders up to this other little boy about his size. I am watching from a distance as he approaches and I can tell that he really wants this little boy to play with him. Instead of playing, when Jaron gets up close, this little boy grabs Jaron's face on both sides and scratches him!

Jaron's eyes welled up with tears, and he got a big boo-boo lip and was about to cry. Then he reared his arms back and shoved that little boy to his butt!! I didn't know whether to laugh or to cry! Obviously, I ran over to him and just then the other mom get's there. Of course she's bit perturbed b/c all she saw was Jaron pushing her son and not what her son did to Jaron.

Anyway, I made Jaron apologize for acting out of anger, but inside I was SO proud of my boy for defending himself. We are not a "just turn the other cheek" kind of family. We do not want to raise a bully and will not tolerate Jaron being an antagonist (like that little boy was) but we do want Jaron to defend himself when necessary.

Poor Jaron has a horrible scratch on his face and on the cornea (white part) of his eye. But the hardest part is that Jaron now knows that it's possible to hurt people like that. I'm sad that he had to learn that lesson at such a young age. I know I can't protect him forever, but I guess I was hoping it would be another year or so before he saw someone acting aggressively towards him.

And I have to be honest, I am bit mad at myself for not saying something more to the other mom. She has no clue that her kid scratched Jaron's face. I should have spoken up more and I'm sad that Jaron didn't see me defending him better than I did. I with I could redo the conversation I had with her.

I guess Jaron and I both learned something from this situation today.

On Friendships and Being Shy

2008-11-13T06:19:00.000-08:00

In my head I am really this outgoing, gregarious person. I make good conversation with witty remarks always on the tip of my tongue. I am selfless and encouraging and always smiling.

In reality I think I am more like a hermit. A quiet, wallflower is more accurate. (Except when I am with my family, then I more closely resemble those traits I mentioned above.) This shyness is something I really dislike about myself, honestly. I wish that I could make friends more easily. I wish that I wasn't so darn weary about getting myself out there and meeting other moms.

But, ugh, the thought of having to go through that whole "who are you, where have you been, what do you like" phase just makes me sick to my stomach.

I have been working really hard at some friendships lately. Not trying too hard, but working hard. (And yes, there is a difference between trying too hard and working hard at something.) I feel like I am beginning to see some changes happening. Not in the others I am spending time with, but in me. I feel like the more I focus on being in the moment the more myself I am able to be.

The me I want to be, anyways.

I am happy with many of my character traits. And I do realize that God made us all with a special uniqueness that makes us, us. But I also recognize that there are things in me that need to change. I cannot live my life without companionship. My husband is great and all, but I can only talk for so long about cooking and decorating before his eyes glaze over! :)

I will tell you one thing that I love about myself though-- I love that I am a loyal friend. My parents taught me a lot about being loyal and it is something that has always stuck with me. I will defend my friends to the end and stick by through thick and thin. I think it's one of my best features, if I do say so myself! :)

Heaven knows that we can stand to talk about the good things since I'm sure we all obsess over the bad way too much! :) So, let's all get a little egotistical today-- what's the best thing about you?? What do you love most about yourself?

The Case Of The Missing Poop

2008-10-17T07:05:00.000-07:00

Jonathan had to be at work early this morning and was out the door at 7:30. Jaron had just finished eating his breakfast and I was rushing around trying to get ready before the little baby I watch arrived. I was in the midst of craziness (in my drama queen mind) at the exact moment that Jaron appeared at my bedroom door. With poop smeared all over his hands.

And poop down his legs.

And poop on his feet.

And poop between his toes.

And, oh yeah, poop all over the floor too.

Here's the thing... there wasn't much poop in his diaper. And the poop that was clinging to his leg wasn't enough to paint the rest of his body, and my carpets, in as many coats of brown as there appeared to be. That meant that somewhere in my house was a pile of poop.

Fabulous. Just fabulous.

After getting Jaron and his cute little tush cleaned off, I searched my house high and low, looking for the missing poop. Y'all, it was no where to be found. No. Where.

That leaves only one logical conclusion.

Yep, the dog ate the poop.

I must go throw up now. And brush my teeth obsessively. And light all the candles in the house to rid it of the nasty smell, and memory, of stinky little boy poop.

Have a ~~poopy~~, um I mean, a happy Friday, y'all.

Disappointment

2008-09-26T12:13:00.000-07:00

Disappointment. What a nasty word. Webster defines it as “failing to meet the expectations or hope of” [someone].

I don’t see myself as a people pleaser. I don’t worry about meeting the unattainable needs of everyone around me. I know that I am only human, and a selfish one at that. I know that I cannot live up to everyone else’s expectations of who I should be or what I should do. But it’s different when it’s someone close to me; someone with whom I’ve built a relationship. When I let those kinds of people down, it is a hard thing to come to grips with.

As an adult looking back over my life, I realize I’ve always had hang up’s with disappointment. Some of my most vivid childhood memories are of times when I was a disappointment to my parents. That’s not to say I didn’t have a happy and loving childhood. My parent’s are wonderful parents. But I could be a bit of a stinker as kid. Shocker, I know, but I was. And I remember a few times when my dad said, “Casey Michelle, I am so disappointed in you.” No other punishment was needed. Knowing I was a disappointment was harsh enough.

I don’t blame this hang up on my parents. In a way, I blame it on God. He’s the one who gave me a conscience. He’s lavish love has ruined me. Because He loves me, I know I can be a disappointment to Him. Because He’s sacrificed so much for me, I know I can, and will, let Him down. If He hadn’t given so much, or loved so deeply, the disappointment wouldn't be so bad.

It makes me think of Paul in Romans 7:15, “I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do.”

First of all: I do not understand what I do. It’s true. I don’t always "get me" and the decisions I make.

Second of all: I do what I hate. Doesn't make sense, but I’m lazy and undisciplined. True confession.

Thankfully, the story doesn’t end with disappointment.

“Your beauty and love chase after me every day of my life. I'm back home in the house of God for the rest of my life”. Psalms 23:6 (The Message)

“Then GOD promises to love me all day, sing songs all through the night! My life is God's prayer”. Psalms 42: 8 (The Message)

“They found grace out in the desert, these people who survived the killing. Israel, out looking for a place to rest, met God out looking for them! God told them, ‘I've never quit loving you and never will. Expect love, love, and more love!’” Jeremiah 31: 2-3 (The Message)

My favorite part- “Expect love, love and more love!”

Salty Things, or A Continuation Of An Earlier Post

2008-09-24T11:00:00.000-07:00

(In case you missed it, read Part I first.)

I feel that I first must say that this is hard information to adequately convey. I mean hard as in can't find the right words, not as in emotionally difficult. :) I have tried several times to get this all down in a way that does is justice. As if we were having a conversation face to face. It's hard to do y'all!

You see, as I studied the significance of salt I was really blown away. And then, out of this knowledge, the Lord started speaking to me in new and exciting ways.

Salt was a form of currency back in the day. It had value and importance. So much so that in Leviticus 2:13 the Lord God command it be apart of the grain offerings. “Do not leave the salt of the covenant of your God out of your grain offerings.”

And get this; the grain offering was made to show honor and respect to God in worship. Salt was apart of their worshiping God! It was an acknowledgment that all we have belongs to God. It was seen as a symbol of God’s activity in a person’s life, because it "penetrates, preserves and aids in healing". (Haley's Bible Handbook)

In the middle of all this discovery, I was having some really hard days. The kind of days that find you grappling within your spirit. Do you know the kinds of days I am talking about? I was sick to my stomach and on the verge of a panic attack. There was 1 particular situation in my life that I was stressing over. An obligation that was doing me in. I really need clear direction and I wasn't getting any at all.

There I was reading about salt and reading Matthew 5:13 over and over and asking the Lord to shift something in my life, to make some change, to let things loose. (Really, this was a dangerous request, because who knows what He might do! Just shows how desperate I was for resolution.)

Anyway, as I'm reading I realized that I have lost my saltiness. I had become quite content with the status quo and let my flavor fade. At this point the only thing I could do was to cry out to the Lord. So that's how I start praying, "Lord make me salty again! How can I be salt again?!" I was really crying out to Him, seeking direction and I wasn't hearing any response.

Around that time was this worship night thingy that Jonathan was playing drums at. I was looking forward to a good soaking worship time. I thought that maybe I would hear from the Lord then. It would be a more free flowing service and maybe, just maybe, someone would have a word for me or pray over me and the Lord's voice would be made clear. Maybe I would figure out how to be salty again.

That night came and went with not a peep from the heavens.

My soul was downcast and I was feel forgotten. I laid in bed that night and bawled my eyes out. Feeling sorry for myself, I rolled over to go to sleep when, clear as day, my heart heard, "Your tears have salt in them and they are valuable to me."

(more to come...)

Funky Hair, Fun Fair

2008-09-01T08:13:00.000-07:00

First things first... I got my hair funktified this weekend. I always, ALWAYS, have hair cutters remorse for a few days after the cut, even if I just get a trim. This is a huge change for me so the remorse is a bit more intense, but I think it's starting to grow on me. (Get it, "grow" on me?!?! Ha! I am hilarious!)

Anyhoooo... here are a few pictures...

Not the greatest shots, but I think you can get the idea. I got it cut and had some sassy red highlights added. I wanted something less blah and I would say I got it! :)

Now... on to the fair. We took Jaron yesterday and had a blast! We went with Nanna and Papa (my folks) and Jaron was in awe of just about everything. It was also the night that the Jonas Brothers were in concert so the place was packed with screaming girls! We got a few chuckles in at the antics of the crazed fans.

Here are a few shots of our day at the fair...

Now we are off to enjoy a family Bar-B-Que. Gotta love 3 day weekends! :)

Salt

2008-08-26T03:00:00.000-07:00

I was smack dab in the middle of a dry spell. I was thirsty for something, anything and yet I was stuck. Dry. Parched. I was struggling with my faith; grappling with indecision; unable to move forward, unwilling to try.

One day I found another woman’s story and it spoke to me. Who she is, and what her testimony contains is not truly important to my story. What is important is that after reading her words, after hearing her heart, after witnessing her depth of peace, I realized my choice had already been made. I could wait it out as long as I wanted, but the God I bound myself to as a child was wooing me back to His heart.

One conviction I’ve had for a long time is that I tend to speed read the bible as though I am reading my favorite novel. That whole quantity vs quality conundrum, you know? As I was reading this woman’s words I found myself most drawn to the stories of her connections to God’s Word. She was going through a tragedy, yet time and time again she found endless comfort in the scriptures she studied. Her secret, she said, was taking it one sentence, one word, at a time.

I wanted what she had. I found myself longing for that connection. I wanted an answer to my loneliness.

A few days later I settled in with my bible… and a few concordances… and my journal… and of course, my favorite pen. :) (Had to be prepared, ya know?!) I quieted my heart before the Lord and asked him to speak to me. Immediately, the words from a Lifehouse song popped into my head.

Find Me Here
Speak To Me
I want to feel you
I need to hear you
You are the light
That's leading me
To the place where I find peace again.

(Everything, by Lifehouse)

Those words consecrated my time with the Lord. They sealed off distractions; they bound up the enemy’s whispers. In the midst of those few phrases I found myself laid bare before Him and completely ready to receive.

When I opened up my bible I was drawn to Matthew 5:13, “You are the salt off the earth. But if the salt loses its saltiness, how can it be made salty again?”

As I quickly read this verse my mind was already on the next phrase when my heart yelled, “Stop. Go back. Slow down. DON’T MISS THIS!!” Surprised by the intensity of this quickening, I reread the text many times, taking it word by word. As I soaked it up I began to journal my initial thoughts…

Have I lost my saltiness? (YES!)
How does salt lose its saltiness?
How can I be made salty again? Is it possible?
What is/are the purpose(s) of salt?
Flavor, preserver, curing meats, causes water to reach boiling point more quickly...

The more I thought about this verse the more intrigued I became by what the Lord was trying to say to me. I began to research it more in depth and I was profoundly impacted by what I discovered...

(to be continued!)

Happy Last Year Of Your 20's, Babe!

2008-06-25T04:36:00.000-07:00

Look how hot he is! I am one lucky woman! :)

Love Story

2008-02-14T03:56:00.000-08:00

Andrea, at Sgt and Mrs Hubs, is hosting a Valentine's Day Lovefest! She has invited readers to share the story of how they met their spouse. I think it is a fitting way to celebrate the day of loooooove, so I am joining in. Happy Valentine's Day!! (And don't forget to visit Sgt and Mrs Hubs for some more romantic stories!)

I was lonely after my family made the cross country move. Finding friends my age proved problematic. My only social outlet was with the youth group (at church), where I was an adult leader. For months I went to work, hung out with the high schoolers, and slept. Rinse and repeat. Boring. Depressing. Blah.

I accepted my fate, begrudgingly, until one Sunday hope set a spark in my heart. Across the youth room I saw a handsome face that I couldn’t ignore. This was somewhat bothersome for I was pretty sure that the face belonged to a high school kid and I wasn’t in to cradle robbing. I left church that day putting it out of my mind, but as I said, hope had light a spark. I went about business as usual, forgetting the face, but not the feeling.

My younger brother, Andy, was meanwhile pestering me about some guy he had met at church. According to Andy, said guy was “awesome” and a “California dude” who loved In n’ Out burgers (that won big marks in Andy’s book) and he was a drummer. Since I come from a family of musicians this was an added bonus in Andy’s opinion.

Day after day Andy would taunt me, saying, “You have to meet Jon (name of Andy’s boy toy). I think you should marry him.”

Since my husband “criteria” was a little more sophisticated than “Must love In n’ Out burgers, be an awesome California dude and must play drums”, I didn’t give Andy and his quest much thought.

Several months later I was chaperoning at The Large Youth Event Hosted By Our Church. My brother, being the precocious 14 year old that he was, decided it was time I met “his” Jon, who was also a chaperon at The Large Youth Event Hosted By Our Church.

Trying to hide from Andy and his suitor, I introduced myself into a conversation that my other brother, Gabe, was having with someone named Jonathan.

(Do you see where this is going?)

Hmm, I thought, Jonathan looks strangely familiar...

Halfway through that thought Andy comes running up, "Oh, you've met him already?!"

Yep, you guessed it. Jonathan was Jon. Andy's Jon. The Jon that Andy had been raving about for months now.

But that’s not all… Jonathan was also the good-looking face from months earlier. The face that sparked hope- the one I thought belonged to a high school boy. Was I ever wrong! And folks, can I just say... I was smitten. Right on the spot, I was head over heels infatuated with that man.

I don't believe in love at first sight, but I knew at that moment Andy had been right all along. I was going to marry that man.

And, four years later I did just that.

To read a little more about my romance with Jonathan (it's even better than the first part!), check out this story: Sing A Song, Tell a Love Story

Thirsty

2008-01-10T18:34:00.000-08:00

Have you ever found yourself without words? Without a way to express what it is your soul is trying to say?

Have you ever found yourself feeling something that you are unable to explain. Or make sense of. Or understand.

Have you ever found yourself speechless, yet wanting- no needing-- no yearning to be heard?

Have you ever found yourself sitting up, late at night, trying to figure out why your heart is beating so fast, and why your skin is tingling, and why you feel as though you might just jump right out of your own skin?

Have you ever found yourself needing to let it all out before it oozes right on out of your pores? And yet you have no idea what it might be?

Tonight I found myself struggling to speak, to be heard, to make sense, to understand.

Tonight, I found that this song said the words my soul was trying to say. And now, I get it.

Be Still My Heart

2007-12-01T13:35:00.000-08:00

Sometimes You Feel Like A Nut

2007-11-25T17:28:00.000-08:00

I think this is one of our best pictures ever. My grandma would be so proud! :)

Sing a Song, Tell A Love Story

2007-02-23T12:30:00.000-08:00

Music is a huge part of my life. Well, huge may be a slight understatement as pretty much every member in my family is in someway musical.

My grandfather led the "hymn singing" in his Nazarene church. He was accompanied by my grandmother on the organ, and my father on the piano.

My father is a gifted musician and arranger (or de-ranger as he likes to call it). My whole life he has been using his love for the Lord and his love of music to lead others in worship. His passion is teaching others how to truly worship the Lord- both in song and in lifestyle.

My mother loves to sing. She says she sounds best when singing behind closed doors. Out of respect for her I won't argue this point at all. :) I'll just say that it was my mother who brought music into my everyday life. Singing silly, nonsense songs, dancing around the house to the oldies, and belting out the sad tunes of country-western she showed me that music is emotional.

My brothers are both very talented musically. My youngest brother, however, is the one carrying on the worship leading torch in the family. He, at the age of 20, is currently interning under the worship leader of a church in Ohio. The boy is gifted y'all. He can pick up an instrument and play it. He can write and compose and sing and do it all. And best of all, he is passionate about worshiping.

And, not to be forgotten, my husband. He's a drummer. And a good one at that. Some may argue that a drummer, who is just a drummer, is not technically a musician. I would say that such a statement does not apply to J. The man knows his stuff, let me tell you.

So, what was my point??

Oh, yes, music is a huge part of my life. It is a huge part of J. and I's life together. Actually, music is what drew us together- not just once, but twice.

I was thinking today about the second time that music drew us together. Mind if I tell the story?

About 2 years before we were married, J.'s dad died very tragically. It was a tough set of circumstance to walk through for all concerned, but it was really difficult for J. After a few weeks of trying to keep everything together we realized that in order for J. to begin to heal we needed to end our relationship.

Can we say HEART. BREAKING?

Walking away from the man I was deeply in love with, while he was going through utter turmoil, well it was one of the most difficult things I have ever had to do.

And let me just take a second to say that we are not quitters. This was a last resort for us. And honestly, it turned out to be such a blessing in disguise. God used that time to work wonders in our lives.

But I am getting a head in the story...

About a month after we broke up, my dad came to me with a song he needed me to sing at church. When he told me that the song was I Hope You Dance, I am pretty sure I laughed in his face. Not that it's a bad song mind you, in fact, it is now one of my favorites. However, at the time I was not in the mood for such "sap".

My dad graciously informed me of 2 things; 1) The song went with the sermon (something about hope, I think) and so it had to sung by someone, and 2) In his opinion no one else could sing it with the same conviction that I could. In light of all that had been going on in and around my life at the time, you see.

So, I sat down with the word sheet and looked it over real good. By the time I got to the end I was almost in tears. I realized that if there was anything I could say to J. it would be the words of that song. Word for word it captured my hopes and prayers for him.

Duh, that was exactly my dad's reason for wanting me to sing it. (He's smarter than the average bear!)

For weeks I worked on this song. Doing my best to make it perfect, all the while praying that some how J. would be there to hear it. We had not spoken to each other since the break up and I wasn't sure where he was at in his life. Of course the Lord is good to see through all the small details of His masterful plans. How silly of me to doubt that.

Anyway, the Sunday came for me to sing the song. We have 5 services at our church and so by the time the 4th one rolled around I was nice and warmed up. A line or two into the first verse my mom caught my eye. She was standing in the very back of the sanctuary pointing, every so discreetly, to her left. As I was singing I slowly moved my gaze to look where she was directing me.

There, peering in from the back door, stood J. I almost lost it. I almost broke down right there on the stage. Finally, I had the chance to say to him what I had been dying to tell him. I was able to stand there and sing the words directly to him. Laying my heart all out on the line in front of, oh I don't know, only a couple hundred congregants.

I didn't see J. after the service. I didn't expect to. My purpose for singing the song was not to get back together with J. I was ready to accept whatever the Lord had for each of us, together or apart. I just simply wanted to communicate hope to a man I cared deeply about.

Well, seeing as how we are now married and pregnant, we obviously got back together. Would y'all believe that he called me up the very next night and asked me if I still loved him, 'cuz he still loved me, and would I think about getting back together? (Um, YES I still love you!)

During that time in our lives the Lord showed us both that hope is necessary in all circumstances. No matter how large, or small. And that real hope can only come from faith in the One who has it all under control.

I also realized how truly important music is in my life. It is emotional.

Even sappy songs have their moments.

And, I Hope You Dance, well it was the song we first danced to as Husband and Wife. Seemed only fitting.

I hope you never lose your sense of wonder
You get your fill to eat but always keep that hunger
May you never take one single breath for granted
God forbid love ever leave you empty handed

I hope you still feel small when you stand by the ocean
Whenever one door closes, I hope one more opens
Promise me you'll give faith a fighting chance
And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance
I hope you dance

I hope you never fear those mountains in the distance
Never settle for the path of least resistance
Living might mean taking chances but they're worth taking
Lovin' might be a mistake but it's worth making

Don't let some hell bent heart leave you bitter
When you come close to selling out reconsider
Give the heavens above more than just a passing glance
And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance
I hope you dance

Who's Calling The Shots

2007-01-22T12:59:00.000-08:00

Jonathan was asked to speak last night for The Exchange, which is the high school ministry at our church. The topic, control, was part 2 in a series called "Experiencing God in the Suburbs".

The talk was recorded and I am posting a link below for anyone who cares to listen. And you should care to listen 'cuz it's good stuff. And I'm not just saying that- really- it was good stuff. I needed to hear it myself.

Who's Calling the Shots?

And J... in case I haven't said it enough- I am proud of you. It's an honor to be the wife of someone so freakin' awesome! I love you!!

how i met my honey...

2006-09-13T13:05:00.000-07:00

Barb, at A Chelsea Morning, is asking how people met their spouses. Since I've been in a blogging funk lately, I thought this might help pull me out. So, for your reading enjoyment, here's my story...

In the fall of 2000 my family up and moved from Southern California to Vermont. I was 20 years old at the time.

Upon moving to the Green Mountain State I found myself leading worship for the youth group at our church. (Still not sure how that one happened since I do not play an instrument, but never the less, I did it).

One Sunday morning, after the youth service was over, a very good looking face caught my attention. I quickly averted my eyes thinking it was just one of the students. I went about my business and did not think another thought about that handsome face cause that would have just been wrong.

Several days later my younger brother Andy, who was 14 at the time, began pestering me about meeting some guy named Jon. Jon could play the drums on the youth worship team, he would say. Jon's from Southern California too, he would say. And, I think you're gonna marry him, he would say.

Since this was my 14 year old brother talking I, of course, ignored him. I just figured my brother had found a hero to worship and wanted everyone to do the same.

For weeks Andy continued to tell me that I should marry this guy and why wouldn't I just meet him already?!?

And still, I ignored him. I was not interested in having a boyfriend, I was not interested in getting married and I was not interested in being set up by my 14 year old brother. (Have I mentioned that yet?)

Well, then the magic happened. (Gods' kind of magic).

About a month or so later I was helping to chaperone a youth event. At the start of the night Andy came running up to me and said, "Jon is here, you have to meet him. I'll go find him."

Trying to hide from Andy and his suitor, I introduced myself into a conversation that my other brother, Gabe, was having with someone named Jonathan.

Hmm, I thought, Jonathan looks strangely familiar...

Halfway through that thought Andy comes running up, "Oh, you've met him already?!"

Yep, you guessed it. Jonathan was Jon. Andy's Jon. The Jon that Andy had been raving about for a month now. The Jon that my 14 year old brother had been trying to set me up with.

Jonathan was also the good looking face from the back of the youth room that I had seen months earlier. Turns out that face didn't belong to a student after all.

And folks, can I just say... I was smitten. Right on the spot, I was head over heels infatuated with that man.

I don't believe in love at first sight, but I knew at that moment Andy had been right all along. I was going to marry that man.

And, four years later I did just that.

my superhero husband

2006-07-12T06:56:00.000-07:00

I have sung his praises on here before, and much to the chagrin of those that dislike the mushy stuff (my husband among them), I must sing this little tune once more. I have the greatest husband alive!

Really, I do.

I was having a bad day yesterday. I'm talking PMS bad. No, I am talking PMS, uncooperative hair, largest cold sore known to man (seriously, it is HUGE), work day from H-E-Double Hockey Sticks, mountains of laundry to conquer, massive sinus headache, a thousand things still to do before leaving the country for 2 weeks bad.

IT. WAS. BAD. (Are you getting the picture yet?)

And I was grumpy. Very grumpy. By the time I picked my husband up after work I was in tears. Actually, that too is an understatement. I was in the middle of a mini-melt down thanks to my dog who was barking insanely at every living soul who walked by the car. Just made things all the more dramatic, and I love drama, right mom?!

Anyway, I digress.

My sweet husband gets in the car, takes one look at me and says, very matter-of-factly, "This is what we are going to do..." He then begins to address every stressful thing that was running through my head. Here's the superhero part... he just knew what was wrong without having to ask. He fixed all the problems in matter of minutes, like he was Marry Poppins with a magic carpet bag.

He relieved me of my plans to make a nice, well thought-out meal.
He finished the last few loads of laundry for me.
He vacuumed the entire house.
He took out the trash.
He cleaned the BATHROOM! (His least favorite chore)

All the while, I took my time preparing a very simple salad for dinner. Yes, feeling slightly guilty, but he would not let me help do anything else. He knew what I need and he blessed me immensely by selflessly giving me the night off. That puts him firmly in the hero category for me.

(I won't mention that his ulterior motive was most likely getting the house cleaned quickly so he could watch 24 all night. If I had done the cleaning there wouldn't have been time for such trivialities. But like I said, I won't mention such things).

Love...

2006-02-14T05:56:00.000-08:00

Just Because I Love Him...

2005-12-30T09:37:00.000-08:00

I love this picture of my gorgeous husband!!

A Bear Hunt

2005-11-09T11:33:00.000-08:00

During dinner, on my birthday, Jonathan asked me what I want to accomplish in this next year of my life. All day long I had been pondering the same sort of question. My dad started the train of thought by emailing me the following:

You’ve got a lot of life lessons and experience under your belt, but so much of your life ahead to go out and tackle. So, go tackle it. Have a fun time being 25. Make the most of it. Keep making great memories. Look for the adventures along the way. You’ve got a lot going for you. Enjoy it.
It was funny that my dad should mention looking for adventures. Lately I have been craving a "bear hunt". By that I mean something a little wild and crazy and hard to get, but oh-so rewarding in the end. Something that builds character. I'm not begging on hardships in order to come by character through suffering and perseverance (Romans 5: 3&4). Though should the Lord decide to take that route, then so be it. I'm just looking for... well, John Elderege says it perfectly in his book, The Sacred Romance...

"Indeed, if we listen, a Sacred Romance call to us through our heart every moment of our lives. It whispers to us on the wind, invites us through the laughter of good friends, reaches out to us through the touch of someone we love. We've heard it in our favorite music...been drawn to it while watching the shimmer of the sunset on the ocean. Something calls to us... and rouses an inconsolable longing deep within our heart, wakening in us a yearning for intimacy, beauty and adventure.

This longing is the most powerful part of any human personality. It fuels our search for meaning, for wholeness, for a sense of being truly alive. However we may describe this deep desire, it is the most important thing about us, our heart of hearts, the passion of our life."

When I got home from work I saw a card from my mother-in-law sitting on the kitchen counter. In the card she explains [I am paraphrasing here] that she had been praying for me in the early morning and felt that God was saying that this year would mark the beginning of a double blessing for me. Jonathan reads the card and quietly prays, "Lord, please no twins"! I read the card and my heart leaps with in me.

Paul says in 1 Corinthians 9:24 to run the race in such a way as to get the prize. I have come to the realization that I have been walking for the majority of this race, and sometimes I've even taken a seat on the sidelines to just watch. My dad talked a while back about going through a spiritual boot camp. Paul alludes to that in verse 25 of the same passage saying, "Everyone who competes in the game goes into strict training..." Like the Refiners fire, producing character, producing a woman in me who is gracious and life giving in encouragement.

I know I should tie up all the loose ends I've been rambling about, but the truth is, I don't know how to. All these things have been swirling around in my heart for a few days now. Somehow they are all connected.

To answer Jonathan's question I simply said I desired to be closer to God. That about sums it all up I guess. Looking for an adventure, running the race, double blessings, and spiritual boot camp. I want to be a woman of life giving encouragement, of sound character, of strong integrity, of unconditional love, and grace to forgive. All that by time I'm 26.That's a lot to do in one year... guess I better get busy...

Good Things Come In Small Packages

2005-11-08T08:23:00.000-08:00

I have wanted a pair of diamond earrings for several years now. Since we bought our condo I quit dreaming about them and stopped asking. I just couldn't justify spending the money on such an extravagant gift when they weren't a necessity. And then last night, while enjoying a romantic birthday dinner with my husband, he quietly asks, "Would you like your gift now?" And then he slides over a small box wrapped in a big bow.

Good things come in small packages and I have the sweetest husband in the world.

I love my husband

2005-05-05T13:36:00.000-07:00

I just want to say that I am deeply in love with my husband. He is the best friend that anyone could ever ask for. I am honored to be his wife! He has such a gracious and tender spirit and his compassion overflows!!! I am blessed!

I love you, Jonathan!

Red Sox Miracle

2005-04-21T12:05:00.000-07:00

While driving home from a friend’s house last night I turned on the radio in the car. There was nothing of interest on any of the music stations, and I didn’t have a good selection of CD’s on hand, so I turned the radio to the AM stations. After a few seconds of scanning I realized that the only thing without static was what sounded like some sort of sports radio broadcast. I was about to switch the channel when I heard, “… Johnny Damon on deck…1 out so far… you are listening to Red Sox baseball…”

While I am not a sports fan, my husband is a bit of a sports addict, especially where the Red Sox are concerned. Though he was not in the car with me I felt almost obligated to listen to the game. Since there was nothing better on the other stations I left the radio tuned there as I continued my drive home.

Several minutes later a strange thing happened… a funny aggravated grunting noise escaped my lips. “What was that? Did I just grunt? Why did I just grunt? OH MY GOODNESS!!! Did I actually just grunt at the radio because Johnny Damon struck out?!?!?!?!?!?!?”

I was in shock, disbelief, wide-eyed-wonder!! Since when had I become interested in baseball???

The rest of the drive home was gruntless but my mind was churning. What did this mean? What had happened to me? Why did I grunt? Slowly it began to dawn on me... I was in love. Not with baseball, but with my husband, and when you love someone, what they love matters to you.

That’s when the Lord began speaking to me. Do I love what He loves? Do I know what His desires for me are? You see, it’s really not about the desires of my heart; it’s about my heart being aligned with His so that our desires are one. It’s about falling in love with a Savior, so much so that I grunt, and yell, and holler, and scream, and cheer, and cry, and praise, and protect, and desire the same thing He desires.

When you fall in love with Him, you fall in love with what He loves, and it changes your life forever.

And doesn’t He have a sense of humor that He would use Red Sox baseball to remind me that?!