My mom recently shared a story with me that has shifted my perspective about loving well. The story is simple and goes like this:
For years Mom would grumble and complain every time she had to clean Dad's discarded whiskers from the bathroom vanity. In anger Mom would ask Dad, "Please remember to do it yourself next time!" In frustration, the next day, Mom would once again clean up those whiskers.It's easy to love with feeling and emotion. It is hard to love with practical reason and mundane tasks. We are called, as lovers and Christ followers, to love completely, unconditionally.
One day as Mom was wiping at the counter, contempt-filled thoughts flowing, the Holy Spirit opened up her eyes and shifted her perspective. In a whisper the Spirit asked, "What will you do when he's gone?"
The realization of not having whiskers to clean up in the future was too much for her to bear. Mom immediately sought forgiveness and now gratefully, and with much joy, sweeps up Dad's precious whiskers every morning.
"Guide me in your truth and teach me, for you are God my Savior, and my hope is in you all day long."
Psalm 25:5
Psalm 25:5
My intention was never to abandon this blog; nor was my intention for it to turn into a sad place. Yet here I am, many weeks between posts, coming to write again as my heart is heavy. The topic is the same as the last few times I've stopped in... mourning.
Most days I am good. Most days I smile, love on my child and husband, and I am happy and whole. Today, like a few other days sprinkled amongst the rest, I am sad. I am mourning a loss that was never really mine to being with.
I think this is the hardest part for me... this baby that I lost wasn't really there. There was no embryo, no fetus, no life. Just placenta and raging hormones. I cannot find comfort in the thought of a little one waiting for me in heaven because there was no little one. Yet my heart loved so deeply. And my mind raced ahead to create a new nursery in our little house. I day-dreamed of names and was aching to buy all things pink and girly.
At this point in the pregnancy we would be finding out if we were having a boy or a girl. I would be getting nice and round, being near 6 months along. I would be beseeching the Lord for a small child this time around (not the 11.2 lbs of my firstborn). I would be buying small things to hide under the tree for Jaron to open for his new sibling. As a family we would be making plans and buying a bigger car.
These days, when those thoughts fill my every moment... these are hard days. Days when bed seems like a good place to hide. When tears come and my heart struggles to remember the Hope I have found.
But I do have hope. I am confident in my gracious Redeemer, because He is gracious. He is compassionate. He is loving.* I am confident that He who began a good work in me will be faithful to complete it. I have no doubt that He is my Abba Father. My refuge, my fortress, my deliverer.
Someday, I will again hold a newborn in my arms-- one that belongs to me at least for a little while-- and I will see His goodness. I will see His love. Right now I trust in what I know to be true and I wait for the future. On a sad day, that is what brings me comfort.
*Did you know that is says that at least 6 different times in the bible? Here, here, here, here, here and here are the ones I found after a quick search.
Most days I am good. Most days I smile, love on my child and husband, and I am happy and whole. Today, like a few other days sprinkled amongst the rest, I am sad. I am mourning a loss that was never really mine to being with.
I think this is the hardest part for me... this baby that I lost wasn't really there. There was no embryo, no fetus, no life. Just placenta and raging hormones. I cannot find comfort in the thought of a little one waiting for me in heaven because there was no little one. Yet my heart loved so deeply. And my mind raced ahead to create a new nursery in our little house. I day-dreamed of names and was aching to buy all things pink and girly.
At this point in the pregnancy we would be finding out if we were having a boy or a girl. I would be getting nice and round, being near 6 months along. I would be beseeching the Lord for a small child this time around (not the 11.2 lbs of my firstborn). I would be buying small things to hide under the tree for Jaron to open for his new sibling. As a family we would be making plans and buying a bigger car.
These days, when those thoughts fill my every moment... these are hard days. Days when bed seems like a good place to hide. When tears come and my heart struggles to remember the Hope I have found.
But I do have hope. I am confident in my gracious Redeemer, because He is gracious. He is compassionate. He is loving.* I am confident that He who began a good work in me will be faithful to complete it. I have no doubt that He is my Abba Father. My refuge, my fortress, my deliverer.
Someday, I will again hold a newborn in my arms-- one that belongs to me at least for a little while-- and I will see His goodness. I will see His love. Right now I trust in what I know to be true and I wait for the future. On a sad day, that is what brings me comfort.
*Did you know that is says that at least 6 different times in the bible? Here, here, here, here, here and here are the ones I found after a quick search.
"... yet I will rejoice in the Lord! I will be joyful in the God of my salvation!" Habakuk 3:18
Endless leaves fall. Today the winds have blown steady and the down pour of yellow, red and orange is almost complete. Mere days since a glance out my window made me gasp at the sea of lime green.
All things change. What is happening in the physical world around me is a dramatic representation of what is happening inside of me.
Endless leaves fall. Today the winds have blown steady and the down pour of yellow, red and orange is almost complete. Mere days since a glance out my window made me gasp at the sea of lime green.All things change. What is happening in the physical world around me is a dramatic representation of what is happening inside of me.
The Lord gives, and the Lord takes away, yet my heart does not always bless His name in the midst of pain. One week into my mourning this is what was scratched into my journal, "I don't want to say yes to Your faithfulness if this is what it looks like. I AM ANGRY AT YOU!"Tears fall even now, as I struggle to over come those same emotions. It is hard to make sense of loss. It is hard to understand why. Why? Why!
It is is hard to keep my heart soft. Daily I reach out, time and again, begging for mercy. Then begging for forgiveness for the words I have hurled at Him in my mind.
Daily He forgives. Daily He embraces. Daily He loves.
The gentleness of His touch calms me. Centers me. Fills me with courage to trust, love, hope."Even though the fig trees have no blossoms,
and there are no grapes on the vines;
even though the olive crop fails,
and the fields lie empty and barren;
even though the flocks die in the fields,
and the cattle barns are empty,
yet I will rejoice in the Lord!
I will be joyful in the God of my salvation!"
Habakuk 3:17-18
The trees shed their leaves and they know they know they will be clothed again. Because He is faithful.
So, I will trust in Him.
This is my prayer in the desert(Listen here: Dessert Song, Hillsong)
When all that's within me feels dry
This is my prayer in my hunger and need
My God is the God who provides
This is my prayer in the harvest
When favor and providence flow
I know I'm filled to be emptied again
The seed I've received I must sow
All of my life
In every season
You are still God
I have a reason to sing
I have a reason to worship
"Show me your face, let me hear your voice; for your voice is sweet and your face is lovely." Song of Solomon 2:14
Stepping quietly into His presence, I can feel His breath tickle my ear, "Be still."Lids drop, thoughts slow. Deep breath.
"Hello, Lord."
"Hello, Beloved."
I feel Him close; my heart races... then slows as He draws near. I know this time is sacred, and so very, very needed. The peace that comes is overwhelming.
I rest as He sings His song over me.
I rest as He sings His song over me.
"Show me your face, let me hear your voice; for your voice is sweet and your face is lovely." (Song of Solomon 2:14)
"You have stolen my heart, my sister, my bride; you have stolen my heart with one glance of your eyes." (Song of Solomon 4:9)
"Find rest in Me alone. I am your salvation. I am your rock, your unshakable fortress." (Psalm 62: 1&2)
"I am behind you and go before you. My hand is upon you. I surround you always. I created you fearfully and wonderfully. You are not hidden from me. I have ordained your days." (Psalm 139: 5, 13, 16)
"I take great delight in you. I will quiet you with my love. I will rejoice over you with my song." (Zephaniah 3:17)
His love is so real. Words true and life-giving. These moments, cherished. Precious. Sacred. Every blink, He knows. Every sigh, He understands. A heart full of wonder, once again about to burst."You are beautiful. You are my treasure."
His words, a treasure themselves. Buried deep. Kept in the secret place to always remember and hold dear.
I don't want to lose this moment. This quiet presence.
Your beauty surrounds me and I am overcome. Come, Lord, linger. Invade, walk the halls of this house. Holy Spirit, dwell here. Make this your home. My heart is set on you; my gaze is fixed on you. You are my desire, and I return to you, my first love.
"You, O Lord, keep my lamp burning; my God turns my darkness into light..."
Daddy was out of town so my little one and I slept at Nanny and Poppy's. When the moon was up, and eyes were droopy, we were getting ready to snuggle and snore together. As I turned the lights out, throwing the unfamiliar room into pitch black, my boy screamed, "Momma, where am I? I can't find me. Where did I go?"
Tears fell, his frantic voice cracking as he struggled to understand why the darkness had caused him to disappear. Even my nearness and touch provided little comfort. Solace could only be found when a night light was produced.
"I see me Momma. I right here and you right there." Big sigh. "Tank you for da light Momma. Now I can close my eyes."
Tears fell, his frantic voice cracking as he struggled to understand why the darkness had caused him to disappear. Even my nearness and touch provided little comfort. Solace could only be found when a night light was produced.
"I see me Momma. I right here and you right there." Big sigh. "Tank you for da light Momma. Now I can close my eyes."
"You O Lord, keep my lamp burning;
my God turns my darkness into light...
As for God, his way is perfect;
the word of the Lord is flawless.
He is a shield
for all who take refuge in Him.
For who is God beside the Lord?
And who is the Rock except our God?
It is God who arms me with strength
and makes my way perfect.
He makes my feet like the feet of a deer;
he enables me to stand on the heights.
He trains my hands for battle...
You give me your shield of victory,
and your right hand sustains me;
you stoop down to make me great."
Psalm 18: 28-36
Thank you, my Abba Father, for being my light in this night time. When darkness is overwhelming your Word is a constant lamp; a flame that cannot be snuffed out. And when my fears, questions, anger and doubt have weakened my pace, you stoop down to make me great. I am humbled by your affections. And in spite of the sorrow, I press on, following your light.
by your still waters i rest
trusting in your faithfulness.
for your name you will make me whole;
you lift me above the pain
to the rock that is higher than i.
you are good.
you are good.
you are good.
your compassion is never ending,
you mercy overflows;
your love is bigger than the sorrow.
healing is poured over my soul
as you sing over me.
i can hear your song.
i can feel your gaze.
i am not alone on this road;
your foot falls next to mine on this journey.
hope is a declaration;
my hope is in you.
i declare your faithfulness.
i declare your glory.
i declare your goodness.
you are good.
YOU ARE.
The quiet moments are the hardest. When my heart feels like it will burst and my mind wanders once again to that blank screen, that empty womb. I waited to see a tiny heart fluttering life. All I saw was stillness. All I saw was black.
No baby. Just hormones and placenta, but no life. No heart. No tiny fingers to hold someday. No sweet lips and cheeks to kiss. No beautiful eyes to gaze into. Just nothingness.
Then hours of waiting in the hospital. Misery. Then days of waiting for answers. Anxiousness. And now emptiness and normal life co-mingle. How?
How do I go on when this ache is so deep and constant?
How do I breathe when I choke on the raw emotion lodged in my chest?
How do I find courage to hope again when the image burned in my minds eye is so bleak?
I know I will find Hope in You, but I am so lost and shattered today. So empty and angry and filled with questions.
I know You are God and You never change. I know Your love for me is greater than all the pain and bleakness. I know you are trustworthy, steadfast, faithful, kind. Right now I speak these things in faith.
My head knows, but my heart aches with doubt.
No baby. Just hormones and placenta, but no life. No heart. No tiny fingers to hold someday. No sweet lips and cheeks to kiss. No beautiful eyes to gaze into. Just nothingness.
Then hours of waiting in the hospital. Misery. Then days of waiting for answers. Anxiousness. And now emptiness and normal life co-mingle. How?
How do I go on when this ache is so deep and constant?
How do I breathe when I choke on the raw emotion lodged in my chest?
How do I find courage to hope again when the image burned in my minds eye is so bleak?
I know I will find Hope in You, but I am so lost and shattered today. So empty and angry and filled with questions.
I know You are God and You never change. I know Your love for me is greater than all the pain and bleakness. I know you are trustworthy, steadfast, faithful, kind. Right now I speak these things in faith.
My head knows, but my heart aches with doubt.
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- Casey
- I am a lover of: God... my sexy husband... 3 of the cutest kiddos in the world... deep friendships... a good book... music that moves me... the beach... sunshine... cooking... and laughter.
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