Finding Beauty

My intention was never to abandon this blog; nor was my intention for it to turn into a sad place. Yet here I am, many weeks between posts, coming to write again as my heart is heavy. The topic is the same as the last few times I've stopped in... mourning.

Most days I am good. Most days I smile, love on my child and husband, and I am happy and whole. Today, like a few other days sprinkled amongst the rest, I am sad. I am mourning a loss that was never really mine to being with.

I think this is the hardest part for me... this baby that I lost wasn't really there. There was no embryo, no fetus, no life. Just placenta and raging hormones. I cannot find comfort in the thought of a little one waiting for me in heaven because there was no little one. Yet my heart loved so deeply. And my mind raced ahead to create a new nursery in our little house. I day-dreamed of names and was aching to buy all things pink and girly.

At this point in the pregnancy we would be finding out if we were having a boy or a girl. I would be getting nice and round, being near 6 months along. I would be beseeching the Lord for a small child this time around (not the 11.2 lbs of my firstborn). I would be buying small things to hide under the tree for Jaron to open for his new sibling. As a family we would be making plans and buying a bigger car.

These days, when those thoughts fill my every moment... these are hard days. Days when bed seems like a good place to hide. When tears come and my heart struggles to remember the Hope I have found.

But I do have hope. I am confident in my gracious Redeemer, because He is gracious. He is compassionate. He is loving.* I am confident that He who began a good work in me will be faithful to complete it. I have no doubt that He is my Abba Father. My refuge, my fortress, my deliverer.

Someday, I will again hold a newborn in my arms-- one that belongs to me at least for a little while-- and I will see His goodness. I will see His love. Right now I trust in what I know to be true and I wait for the future. On a sad day, that is what brings me comfort.


*Did you know that is says that at least 6 different times in the bible? Here, here, here, here, here and here are the ones I found after a quick search.