"... yet I will rejoice in the Lord! I will be joyful in the God of my salvation!" Habakuk 3:18
Endless leaves fall. Today the winds have blown steady and the down pour of yellow, red and orange is almost complete. Mere days since a glance out my window made me gasp at the sea of lime green.
All things change. What is happening in the physical world around me is a dramatic representation of what is happening inside of me.
Endless leaves fall. Today the winds have blown steady and the down pour of yellow, red and orange is almost complete. Mere days since a glance out my window made me gasp at the sea of lime green.All things change. What is happening in the physical world around me is a dramatic representation of what is happening inside of me.
The Lord gives, and the Lord takes away, yet my heart does not always bless His name in the midst of pain. One week into my mourning this is what was scratched into my journal, "I don't want to say yes to Your faithfulness if this is what it looks like. I AM ANGRY AT YOU!"Tears fall even now, as I struggle to over come those same emotions. It is hard to make sense of loss. It is hard to understand why. Why? Why!
It is is hard to keep my heart soft. Daily I reach out, time and again, begging for mercy. Then begging for forgiveness for the words I have hurled at Him in my mind.
Daily He forgives. Daily He embraces. Daily He loves.
The gentleness of His touch calms me. Centers me. Fills me with courage to trust, love, hope."Even though the fig trees have no blossoms,
and there are no grapes on the vines;
even though the olive crop fails,
and the fields lie empty and barren;
even though the flocks die in the fields,
and the cattle barns are empty,
yet I will rejoice in the Lord!
I will be joyful in the God of my salvation!"
Habakuk 3:17-18
The trees shed their leaves and they know they know they will be clothed again. Because He is faithful.
So, I will trust in Him.
This is my prayer in the desert(Listen here: Dessert Song, Hillsong)
When all that's within me feels dry
This is my prayer in my hunger and need
My God is the God who provides
This is my prayer in the harvest
When favor and providence flow
I know I'm filled to be emptied again
The seed I've received I must sow
All of my life
In every season
You are still God
I have a reason to sing
I have a reason to worship
"You, O Lord, keep my lamp burning; my God turns my darkness into light..."
Daddy was out of town so my little one and I slept at Nanny and Poppy's. When the moon was up, and eyes were droopy, we were getting ready to snuggle and snore together. As I turned the lights out, throwing the unfamiliar room into pitch black, my boy screamed, "Momma, where am I? I can't find me. Where did I go?"
Tears fell, his frantic voice cracking as he struggled to understand why the darkness had caused him to disappear. Even my nearness and touch provided little comfort. Solace could only be found when a night light was produced.
"I see me Momma. I right here and you right there." Big sigh. "Tank you for da light Momma. Now I can close my eyes."
Tears fell, his frantic voice cracking as he struggled to understand why the darkness had caused him to disappear. Even my nearness and touch provided little comfort. Solace could only be found when a night light was produced.
"I see me Momma. I right here and you right there." Big sigh. "Tank you for da light Momma. Now I can close my eyes."
"You O Lord, keep my lamp burning;
my God turns my darkness into light...
As for God, his way is perfect;
the word of the Lord is flawless.
He is a shield
for all who take refuge in Him.
For who is God beside the Lord?
And who is the Rock except our God?
It is God who arms me with strength
and makes my way perfect.
He makes my feet like the feet of a deer;
he enables me to stand on the heights.
He trains my hands for battle...
You give me your shield of victory,
and your right hand sustains me;
you stoop down to make me great."
Psalm 18: 28-36
Thank you, my Abba Father, for being my light in this night time. When darkness is overwhelming your Word is a constant lamp; a flame that cannot be snuffed out. And when my fears, questions, anger and doubt have weakened my pace, you stoop down to make me great. I am humbled by your affections. And in spite of the sorrow, I press on, following your light.
The quiet moments are the hardest. When my heart feels like it will burst and my mind wanders once again to that blank screen, that empty womb. I waited to see a tiny heart fluttering life. All I saw was stillness. All I saw was black.
No baby. Just hormones and placenta, but no life. No heart. No tiny fingers to hold someday. No sweet lips and cheeks to kiss. No beautiful eyes to gaze into. Just nothingness.
Then hours of waiting in the hospital. Misery. Then days of waiting for answers. Anxiousness. And now emptiness and normal life co-mingle. How?
How do I go on when this ache is so deep and constant?
How do I breathe when I choke on the raw emotion lodged in my chest?
How do I find courage to hope again when the image burned in my minds eye is so bleak?
I know I will find Hope in You, but I am so lost and shattered today. So empty and angry and filled with questions.
I know You are God and You never change. I know Your love for me is greater than all the pain and bleakness. I know you are trustworthy, steadfast, faithful, kind. Right now I speak these things in faith.
My head knows, but my heart aches with doubt.
No baby. Just hormones and placenta, but no life. No heart. No tiny fingers to hold someday. No sweet lips and cheeks to kiss. No beautiful eyes to gaze into. Just nothingness.
Then hours of waiting in the hospital. Misery. Then days of waiting for answers. Anxiousness. And now emptiness and normal life co-mingle. How?
How do I go on when this ache is so deep and constant?
How do I breathe when I choke on the raw emotion lodged in my chest?
How do I find courage to hope again when the image burned in my minds eye is so bleak?
I know I will find Hope in You, but I am so lost and shattered today. So empty and angry and filled with questions.
I know You are God and You never change. I know Your love for me is greater than all the pain and bleakness. I know you are trustworthy, steadfast, faithful, kind. Right now I speak these things in faith.
My head knows, but my heart aches with doubt.
Here's the thing, I'm a first born. Oldest of 3 kids and the only girl. I would say that my brothers and I all fit the typical birth order stereotypes pretty well. For the first half of my life I was content with being me; bossy, opinionated, organized, detailed, and so on.
As I got older I realized that some of the traits are not so much fun to have. Group assignments always found me stuck with the majority of the work because everyone knew I was good to get it done. Friends shied away from talking to me because my opinion was spoken with force instead of love. Work found me tackling the sorts of projects no one else wanted to do because I could solve the problem and figure out the details.
Internally, I longed to be the cheerleader. The popular girl. The homecoming queen. (Though in the spirit of full disclosure I was a homecoming princess, but I swear it was a fluke.) :)
As I am now a bit older, and hopefully wiser, I am learning the fine art of balance. Oh, it's so hard! But it is getting easier.
------------------------
This is a summary of what I learned on my internet "vacation"...
I don't have to be the first born anymore.
Jesus is the first born and He's got all the bases covered for me. I don't have to do more than what's in front of me at this very moment. And I don't have to "look good" for anyone but Him.
Can I get an Amen?!?!
As I got older I realized that some of the traits are not so much fun to have. Group assignments always found me stuck with the majority of the work because everyone knew I was good to get it done. Friends shied away from talking to me because my opinion was spoken with force instead of love. Work found me tackling the sorts of projects no one else wanted to do because I could solve the problem and figure out the details.
Internally, I longed to be the cheerleader. The popular girl. The homecoming queen. (Though in the spirit of full disclosure I was a homecoming princess, but I swear it was a fluke.) :)
As I am now a bit older, and hopefully wiser, I am learning the fine art of balance. Oh, it's so hard! But it is getting easier.
------------------------
This is a summary of what I learned on my internet "vacation"...
I don't have to be the first born anymore.
Jesus is the first born and He's got all the bases covered for me. I don't have to do more than what's in front of me at this very moment. And I don't have to "look good" for anyone but Him.
Can I get an Amen?!?!
So, I am less than a week away from giving up the internet for 40 days. Ugh! In the interest of full disclosure-- I am dreading it! This week I've been paying attention to when I log on to the internet and, well, let's just say it's staggering how much I rely on the World Wide Web.
** Need a recipe? Just jump on to Allrecipes.com and problem solved.
** Weird, unexplainable stomach cramp? Why, WebMD.com has the answer!
** Has the title of a book you read in 5th grade slipped your mind? Good thing Amazon.com knows which one it is.
** Looking for the latest theory on your favorite TV show? Well, take your pick.
Um, yeah, I need a break.
............
I want things to be different in my life and I feel as though I have lost a certain intimacy I once had with Him. That is what this season is all about for me. Not just a fast, which feels so… oh, I don’t know… obligatory. Rather I want this to be an offering. An act of worship. An empty vessel. (Yes, I know that’s what a fast is, but it’s all about how the wording plays out in my head.)
Please know that I am not telling you about this to make myself look good to you. I have mentioned it for 3 reason’s; 1) I want you to know where I’ve gone when I disappear for a while; 2) Maybe, maybe, I will inspire someone else in my journey; 3) Accountability.
I know that several have asked me to journal during this time and I am still thinking about it. Sunday's are not counted in the 40 days of fasting, they are seen as a celebratory time. So, I might post an update or two on a Sunday. I'll wait and see how it feels.
Either way, I will journal as I go, and when the time is over I will share with you what I can. (As a side note-- I will still be checking/sending email as that was not a part of what I am "offering" up. I can check it without logging on and email is a vital source of communication in our household.)
Is anyone else out there making an offering for Lent?
(Oh by the way, Lent starts next Wednesday, Ash Wednesday, and goes until Easter.)
** Need a recipe? Just jump on to Allrecipes.com and problem solved.
** Weird, unexplainable stomach cramp? Why, WebMD.com has the answer!
** Has the title of a book you read in 5th grade slipped your mind? Good thing Amazon.com knows which one it is.
** Looking for the latest theory on your favorite TV show? Well, take your pick.
Um, yeah, I need a break.
............
I want things to be different in my life and I feel as though I have lost a certain intimacy I once had with Him. That is what this season is all about for me. Not just a fast, which feels so… oh, I don’t know… obligatory. Rather I want this to be an offering. An act of worship. An empty vessel. (Yes, I know that’s what a fast is, but it’s all about how the wording plays out in my head.)
Please know that I am not telling you about this to make myself look good to you. I have mentioned it for 3 reason’s; 1) I want you to know where I’ve gone when I disappear for a while; 2) Maybe, maybe, I will inspire someone else in my journey; 3) Accountability.
I know that several have asked me to journal during this time and I am still thinking about it. Sunday's are not counted in the 40 days of fasting, they are seen as a celebratory time. So, I might post an update or two on a Sunday. I'll wait and see how it feels.
Either way, I will journal as I go, and when the time is over I will share with you what I can. (As a side note-- I will still be checking/sending email as that was not a part of what I am "offering" up. I can check it without logging on and email is a vital source of communication in our household.)
Is anyone else out there making an offering for Lent?
(Oh by the way, Lent starts next Wednesday, Ash Wednesday, and goes until Easter.)
This story starts a few posts ago, and it doesn't end with today's post. I think this is just the journey the Lord has me on right now. I can't say that I am totally thrilled about it, however I do think I am beginning to understand what it's all about.
Psalm 18 has been a bit of a challenge for me. I guess it has revealed in my heart some trust issues. Imagine that? A female with trust issues!? ;)
The psalm talks a lot about how the Lord will be my support and my shield. That he will enable me to stand and face my enemy. That he will, "stoop down to make me great" (vs 35).
Those are hard phrases for me, though the stooping down part gives me chills. I am lowly and he is lofty, yet he loves me. I am dark and he is light, yet he loves me. He is clean and holy and pure and because of his sacrifice I am too.
I guess it's the sacrifice part that is sometimes hard to accept. Does anyone else have a hard time with that? As a mom, as a perfectionist and someone who analyzes EVERYTHING, I find it very difficult to accept help. While studying this psalm I keep coming back to that.
I have the head knowledge of all this, but I guess sometimes my heart gets tripped up on pride.
Recently I read a corresponding passage (Psalm 91) that led to a bit of a breakthrough. Look at this....
"Because he loves me" says the Lord, "I will rescue him; I will protect him for he acknowledges my name. He will call upon me and I will answer him; I will be with him in trouble, I will deliver him and honor him." (emphasis mine)
Simply because I love him, he will not only rescue me, but he will honor me.
Wow. Does that hit you like it hit me? I hope so. I hope the deepth of that sinks into you today. All you have to-- ALL I HAVE TO DO-- is acknowlede his name and call to him. Doesn't mean my problem will *poof* go away, but it does mean that someone far greater than me is on the job.
The Message bible says it so awesomely... "From his palace he hears my call; my cry brings me right into his presence- a private audience!" (Pslalm 18:6)
How cool is that?
If you are in need of help, or strength; or if you feel like your enemies [enemies can also be things like depression, anxiety, bitterness, unforgiveness, etc] are closing in an all sides then I encourage you to read Psalm 18 and Psalm 91 today.
And seriously, isn't it just breath taking that he stoops down to make us great???
Psalm 18 has been a bit of a challenge for me. I guess it has revealed in my heart some trust issues. Imagine that? A female with trust issues!? ;)
The psalm talks a lot about how the Lord will be my support and my shield. That he will enable me to stand and face my enemy. That he will, "stoop down to make me great" (vs 35).
Those are hard phrases for me, though the stooping down part gives me chills. I am lowly and he is lofty, yet he loves me. I am dark and he is light, yet he loves me. He is clean and holy and pure and because of his sacrifice I am too.
I guess it's the sacrifice part that is sometimes hard to accept. Does anyone else have a hard time with that? As a mom, as a perfectionist and someone who analyzes EVERYTHING, I find it very difficult to accept help. While studying this psalm I keep coming back to that.
I have the head knowledge of all this, but I guess sometimes my heart gets tripped up on pride.
Recently I read a corresponding passage (Psalm 91) that led to a bit of a breakthrough. Look at this....
"Because he loves me" says the Lord, "I will rescue him; I will protect him for he acknowledges my name. He will call upon me and I will answer him; I will be with him in trouble, I will deliver him and honor him." (emphasis mine)
Simply because I love him, he will not only rescue me, but he will honor me.
Wow. Does that hit you like it hit me? I hope so. I hope the deepth of that sinks into you today. All you have to-- ALL I HAVE TO DO-- is acknowlede his name and call to him. Doesn't mean my problem will *poof* go away, but it does mean that someone far greater than me is on the job.
The Message bible says it so awesomely... "From his palace he hears my call; my cry brings me right into his presence- a private audience!" (Pslalm 18:6)
How cool is that?
If you are in need of help, or strength; or if you feel like your enemies [enemies can also be things like depression, anxiety, bitterness, unforgiveness, etc] are closing in an all sides then I encourage you to read Psalm 18 and Psalm 91 today.
And seriously, isn't it just breath taking that he stoops down to make us great???
Jonathan and I meet with friends of ours every Monday night to worship together for an hour or so. We do this in harp and bowl style which is refreshing and challenging all at the same time. The last few weeks we have been singing through Psalm 18.
Y'all I have to be honest, it's crushing me. I don't know why but just getting through the first few verses is like trudging up a steep hill with 500 lbs on my back. In the dark. On an empty stomach.
In other words, it's rough. And I'm barely making it.
By verse 2 (which says, "The LORD is my rock, my fortress and my deliverer; my God is my rock, in whom I take refuge.") I am usually holding back tears. It's like the Lord is taking a fire poker and jamming it into the most tender place of my heart looking to stir up whatever embers lay there. It hurts and I don't like it.
I would like to take a cue from Jaron and throw myself on the floor and pitch a fit.
"Enough Lord!!! ENOUGH!"
I would like to go limp when He picks me up and just fall back to the floor. Because whenever that stupid fire poker thingy comes out it means stuff has to be dealt with. Old crap has to be cleaned up and cleared out. It usually means that a lot of work is ahead and I just am not in the mood to deal with it.
So there.
How's that for a little toddler fit??
Oh y'all. Why does it have to be so hard, this living life thing?
I suppose I'm just making it harder than it needs to be.
Also, I'm sorry that I have been MIA lately. Honestly I don't know what to say about it other than my priorities are just different right now. I have been thinking about stopping all together and just deleting this thing, but something keeps me from doing that. So for now, I'll blog when I have something to say and I will not pressure myself to keep this thing going on a daily basis. That okay with y'all??
Y'all I have to be honest, it's crushing me. I don't know why but just getting through the first few verses is like trudging up a steep hill with 500 lbs on my back. In the dark. On an empty stomach.
In other words, it's rough. And I'm barely making it.
By verse 2 (which says, "The LORD is my rock, my fortress and my deliverer; my God is my rock, in whom I take refuge.") I am usually holding back tears. It's like the Lord is taking a fire poker and jamming it into the most tender place of my heart looking to stir up whatever embers lay there. It hurts and I don't like it.
I would like to take a cue from Jaron and throw myself on the floor and pitch a fit.
"Enough Lord!!! ENOUGH!"
I would like to go limp when He picks me up and just fall back to the floor. Because whenever that stupid fire poker thingy comes out it means stuff has to be dealt with. Old crap has to be cleaned up and cleared out. It usually means that a lot of work is ahead and I just am not in the mood to deal with it.
So there.
How's that for a little toddler fit??
Oh y'all. Why does it have to be so hard, this living life thing?
I suppose I'm just making it harder than it needs to be.
Also, I'm sorry that I have been MIA lately. Honestly I don't know what to say about it other than my priorities are just different right now. I have been thinking about stopping all together and just deleting this thing, but something keeps me from doing that. So for now, I'll blog when I have something to say and I will not pressure myself to keep this thing going on a daily basis. That okay with y'all??
Disappointment. What a nasty word. Webster defines it as “failing to meet the expectations or hope of” [someone].
I don’t see myself as a people pleaser. I don’t worry about meeting the unattainable needs of everyone around me. I know that I am only human, and a selfish one at that. I know that I cannot live up to everyone else’s expectations of who I should be or what I should do. But it’s different when it’s someone close to me; someone with whom I’ve built a relationship. When I let those kinds of people down, it is a hard thing to come to grips with.
As an adult looking back over my life, I realize I’ve always had hang up’s with disappointment. Some of my most vivid childhood memories are of times when I was a disappointment to my parents. That’s not to say I didn’t have a happy and loving childhood. My parent’s are wonderful parents. But I could be a bit of a stinker as kid. Shocker, I know, but I was. And I remember a few times when my dad said, “Casey Michelle, I am so disappointed in you.” No other punishment was needed. Knowing I was a disappointment was harsh enough.
I don’t blame this hang up on my parents. In a way, I blame it on God. He’s the one who gave me a conscience. He’s lavish love has ruined me. Because He loves me, I know I can be a disappointment to Him. Because He’s sacrificed so much for me, I know I can, and will, let Him down. If He hadn’t given so much, or loved so deeply, the disappointment wouldn't be so bad.
It makes me think of Paul in Romans 7:15, “I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do.”
First of all: I do not understand what I do. It’s true. I don’t always "get me" and the decisions I make.
Second of all: I do what I hate. Doesn't make sense, but I’m lazy and undisciplined. True confession.
Thankfully, the story doesn’t end with disappointment.
“Your beauty and love chase after me every day of my life. I'm back home in the house of God for the rest of my life”. Psalms 23:6 (The Message)
“Then GOD promises to love me all day, sing songs all through the night! My life is God's prayer”. Psalms 42: 8 (The Message)
“They found grace out in the desert, these people who survived the killing. Israel, out looking for a place to rest, met God out looking for them! God told them, ‘I've never quit loving you and never will. Expect love, love, and more love!’” Jeremiah 31: 2-3 (The Message)
My favorite part- “Expect love, love and more love!”
I don’t see myself as a people pleaser. I don’t worry about meeting the unattainable needs of everyone around me. I know that I am only human, and a selfish one at that. I know that I cannot live up to everyone else’s expectations of who I should be or what I should do. But it’s different when it’s someone close to me; someone with whom I’ve built a relationship. When I let those kinds of people down, it is a hard thing to come to grips with.
As an adult looking back over my life, I realize I’ve always had hang up’s with disappointment. Some of my most vivid childhood memories are of times when I was a disappointment to my parents. That’s not to say I didn’t have a happy and loving childhood. My parent’s are wonderful parents. But I could be a bit of a stinker as kid. Shocker, I know, but I was. And I remember a few times when my dad said, “Casey Michelle, I am so disappointed in you.” No other punishment was needed. Knowing I was a disappointment was harsh enough.
I don’t blame this hang up on my parents. In a way, I blame it on God. He’s the one who gave me a conscience. He’s lavish love has ruined me. Because He loves me, I know I can be a disappointment to Him. Because He’s sacrificed so much for me, I know I can, and will, let Him down. If He hadn’t given so much, or loved so deeply, the disappointment wouldn't be so bad.
It makes me think of Paul in Romans 7:15, “I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do.”
First of all: I do not understand what I do. It’s true. I don’t always "get me" and the decisions I make.
Second of all: I do what I hate. Doesn't make sense, but I’m lazy and undisciplined. True confession.
Thankfully, the story doesn’t end with disappointment.
“Your beauty and love chase after me every day of my life. I'm back home in the house of God for the rest of my life”. Psalms 23:6 (The Message)
“Then GOD promises to love me all day, sing songs all through the night! My life is God's prayer”. Psalms 42: 8 (The Message)
“They found grace out in the desert, these people who survived the killing. Israel, out looking for a place to rest, met God out looking for them! God told them, ‘I've never quit loving you and never will. Expect love, love, and more love!’” Jeremiah 31: 2-3 (The Message)
My favorite part- “Expect love, love and more love!”
(In case you missed it, read Part I first.)
I feel that I first must say that this is hard information to adequately convey. I mean hard as in can't find the right words, not as in emotionally difficult. :) I have tried several times to get this all down in a way that does is justice. As if we were having a conversation face to face. It's hard to do y'all!
You see, as I studied the significance of salt I was really blown away. And then, out of this knowledge, the Lord started speaking to me in new and exciting ways.
Salt was a form of currency back in the day. It had value and importance. So much so that in Leviticus 2:13 the Lord God command it be apart of the grain offerings. “Do not leave the salt of the covenant of your God out of your grain offerings.”
And get this; the grain offering was made to show honor and respect to God in worship. Salt was apart of their worshiping God! It was an acknowledgment that all we have belongs to God. It was seen as a symbol of God’s activity in a person’s life, because it "penetrates, preserves and aids in healing". (Haley's Bible Handbook)
In the middle of all this discovery, I was having some really hard days. The kind of days that find you grappling within your spirit. Do you know the kinds of days I am talking about? I was sick to my stomach and on the verge of a panic attack. There was 1 particular situation in my life that I was stressing over. An obligation that was doing me in. I really need clear direction and I wasn't getting any at all.
There I was reading about salt and reading Matthew 5:13 over and over and asking the Lord to shift something in my life, to make some change, to let things loose. (Really, this was a dangerous request, because who knows what He might do! Just shows how desperate I was for resolution.)
Anyway, as I'm reading I realized that I have lost my saltiness. I had become quite content with the status quo and let my flavor fade. At this point the only thing I could do was to cry out to the Lord. So that's how I start praying, "Lord make me salty again! How can I be salt again?!" I was really crying out to Him, seeking direction and I wasn't hearing any response.
Around that time was this worship night thingy that Jonathan was playing drums at. I was looking forward to a good soaking worship time. I thought that maybe I would hear from the Lord then. It would be a more free flowing service and maybe, just maybe, someone would have a word for me or pray over me and the Lord's voice would be made clear. Maybe I would figure out how to be salty again.
That night came and went with not a peep from the heavens.
My soul was downcast and I was feel forgotten. I laid in bed that night and bawled my eyes out. Feeling sorry for myself, I rolled over to go to sleep when, clear as day, my heart heard, "Your tears have salt in them and they are valuable to me."
(more to come...)
You see, as I studied the significance of salt I was really blown away. And then, out of this knowledge, the Lord started speaking to me in new and exciting ways.
Salt was a form of currency back in the day. It had value and importance. So much so that in Leviticus 2:13 the Lord God command it be apart of the grain offerings. “Do not leave the salt of the covenant of your God out of your grain offerings.”
And get this; the grain offering was made to show honor and respect to God in worship. Salt was apart of their worshiping God! It was an acknowledgment that all we have belongs to God. It was seen as a symbol of God’s activity in a person’s life, because it "penetrates, preserves and aids in healing". (Haley's Bible Handbook)
In the middle of all this discovery, I was having some really hard days. The kind of days that find you grappling within your spirit. Do you know the kinds of days I am talking about? I was sick to my stomach and on the verge of a panic attack. There was 1 particular situation in my life that I was stressing over. An obligation that was doing me in. I really need clear direction and I wasn't getting any at all.
There I was reading about salt and reading Matthew 5:13 over and over and asking the Lord to shift something in my life, to make some change, to let things loose. (Really, this was a dangerous request, because who knows what He might do! Just shows how desperate I was for resolution.)
Anyway, as I'm reading I realized that I have lost my saltiness. I had become quite content with the status quo and let my flavor fade. At this point the only thing I could do was to cry out to the Lord. So that's how I start praying, "Lord make me salty again! How can I be salt again?!" I was really crying out to Him, seeking direction and I wasn't hearing any response.
Around that time was this worship night thingy that Jonathan was playing drums at. I was looking forward to a good soaking worship time. I thought that maybe I would hear from the Lord then. It would be a more free flowing service and maybe, just maybe, someone would have a word for me or pray over me and the Lord's voice would be made clear. Maybe I would figure out how to be salty again.
That night came and went with not a peep from the heavens.
My soul was downcast and I was feel forgotten. I laid in bed that night and bawled my eyes out. Feeling sorry for myself, I rolled over to go to sleep when, clear as day, my heart heard, "Your tears have salt in them and they are valuable to me."
(more to come...)
I was smack dab in the middle of a dry spell. I was thirsty for something, anything and yet I was stuck. Dry. Parched. I was struggling with my faith; grappling with indecision; unable to move forward, unwilling to try.One day I found another woman’s story and it spoke to me. Who she is, and what her testimony contains is not truly important to my story. What is important is that after reading her words, after hearing her heart, after witnessing her depth of peace, I realized my choice had already been made. I could wait it out as long as I wanted, but the God I bound myself to as a child was wooing me back to His heart.
One conviction I’ve had for a long time is that I tend to speed read the bible as though I am reading my favorite novel. That whole quantity vs quality conundrum, you know? As I was reading this woman’s words I found myself most drawn to the stories of her connections to God’s Word. She was going through a tragedy, yet time and time again she found endless comfort in the scriptures she studied. Her secret, she said, was taking it one sentence, one word, at a time.
I wanted what she had. I found myself longing for that connection. I wanted an answer to my loneliness.
A few days later I settled in with my bible… and a few concordances… and my journal… and of course, my favorite pen. :) (Had to be prepared, ya know?!) I quieted my heart before the Lord and asked him to speak to me. Immediately, the words from a Lifehouse song popped into my head.
I wanted what she had. I found myself longing for that connection. I wanted an answer to my loneliness.
A few days later I settled in with my bible… and a few concordances… and my journal… and of course, my favorite pen. :) (Had to be prepared, ya know?!) I quieted my heart before the Lord and asked him to speak to me. Immediately, the words from a Lifehouse song popped into my head.
Find Me Here
Speak To Me
I want to feel you
I need to hear you
You are the light
That's leading me
To the place where I find peace again.
(Everything, by Lifehouse)
Those words consecrated my time with the Lord. They sealed off distractions; they bound up the enemy’s whispers. In the midst of those few phrases I found myself laid bare before Him and completely ready to receive.
When I opened up my bible I was drawn to Matthew 5:13, “You are the salt off the earth. But if the salt loses its saltiness, how can it be made salty again?”
As I quickly read this verse my mind was already on the next phrase when my heart yelled, “Stop. Go back. Slow down. DON’T MISS THIS!!” Surprised by the intensity of this quickening, I reread the text many times, taking it word by word. As I soaked it up I began to journal my initial thoughts…
(to be continued!)
When I opened up my bible I was drawn to Matthew 5:13, “You are the salt off the earth. But if the salt loses its saltiness, how can it be made salty again?”
As I quickly read this verse my mind was already on the next phrase when my heart yelled, “Stop. Go back. Slow down. DON’T MISS THIS!!” Surprised by the intensity of this quickening, I reread the text many times, taking it word by word. As I soaked it up I began to journal my initial thoughts…
Have I lost my saltiness? (YES!)The more I thought about this verse the more intrigued I became by what the Lord was trying to say to me. I began to research it more in depth and I was profoundly impacted by what I discovered...
How does salt lose its saltiness?
How can I be made salty again? Is it possible?
What is/are the purpose(s) of salt?
Flavor, preserver, curing meats, causes water to reach boiling point more quickly...
(to be continued!)
Have you ever found yourself without words? Without a way to express what it is your soul is trying to say?
Have you ever found yourself feeling something that you are unable to explain. Or make sense of. Or understand.
Have you ever found yourself speechless, yet wanting- no needing-- no yearning to be heard?
Have you ever found yourself sitting up, late at night, trying to figure out why your heart is beating so fast, and why your skin is tingling, and why you feel as though you might just jump right out of your own skin?
Have you ever found yourself needing to let it all out before it oozes right on out of your pores? And yet you have no idea what it might be?
Tonight I found myself struggling to speak, to be heard, to make sense, to understand.
Tonight, I found that this song said the words my soul was trying to say. And now, I get it.
During dinner, on my birthday, Jonathan asked me what I want to accomplish in this next year of my life. All day long I had been pondering the same sort of question. My dad started the train of thought by emailing me the following:
You’ve got a lot of life lessons and experience under your belt, but so much of your life ahead to go out and tackle. So, go tackle it. Have a fun time being 25. Make the most of it. Keep making great memories. Look for the adventures along the way. You’ve got a lot going for you. Enjoy it.
It was funny that my dad should mention looking for adventures. Lately I have been craving a "bear hunt". By that I mean something a little wild and crazy and hard to get, but oh-so rewarding in the end. Something that builds character. I'm not begging on hardships in order to come by character through suffering and perseverance (Romans 5: 3&4). Though should the Lord decide to take that route, then so be it. I'm just looking for... well, John Elderege says it perfectly in his book, The Sacred Romance..."Indeed, if we listen, a Sacred Romance call to us through our heart every moment of our lives. It whispers to us on the wind, invites us through the laughter of good friends, reaches out to us through the touch of someone we love. We've heard it in our favorite music...been drawn to it while watching the shimmer of the sunset on the ocean. Something calls to us... and rouses an inconsolable longing deep within our heart, wakening in us a yearning for intimacy, beauty and adventure.
When I got home from work I saw a card from my mother-in-law sitting on the kitchen counter. In the card she explains [I am paraphrasing here] that she had been praying for me in the early morning and felt that God was saying that this year would mark the beginning of a double blessing for me. Jonathan reads the card and quietly prays, "Lord, please no twins"! I read the card and my heart leaps with in me.
This longing is the most powerful part of any human personality. It fuels our search for meaning, for wholeness, for a sense of being truly alive. However we may describe this deep desire, it is the most important thing about us, our heart of hearts, the passion of our life."
Paul says in 1 Corinthians 9:24 to run the race in such a way as to get the prize. I have come to the realization that I have been walking for the majority of this race, and sometimes I've even taken a seat on the sidelines to just watch. My dad talked a while back about going through a spiritual boot camp. Paul alludes to that in verse 25 of the same passage saying, "Everyone who competes in the game goes into strict training..." Like the Refiners fire, producing character, producing a woman in me who is gracious and life giving in encouragement.
I know I should tie up all the loose ends I've been rambling about, but the truth is, I don't know how to. All these things have been swirling around in my heart for a few days now. Somehow they are all connected.
To answer Jonathan's question I simply said I desired to be closer to God. That about sums it all up I guess. Looking for an adventure, running the race, double blessings, and spiritual boot camp. I want to be a woman of life giving encouragement, of sound character, of strong integrity, of unconditional love, and grace to forgive. All that by time I'm 26.That's a lot to do in one year... guess I better get busy...
Popular Posts
-
Here's the thing, I'm a first born. Oldest of 3 kids and the only girl. I would say that my brothers and I all fit the typical bir...
-
The quiet moments are the hardest. When my heart feels like it will burst and my mind wanders once again to that blank screen, that empty wo...
-
We are in the market for a new washer and dryer. Our new place does not have them and we have been debating going the used/Craigslist route...
-
My mom recently shared a story with me that has shifted my perspective about loving well. The story is simple and goes like this: For years...
-
Life has been busy. Busy like the homework teachers give when they need to fill time. Or reach a quota. Seems like a lot of life is filled...
-
He reveals the deep things of darkness and bring deep shadows into the light. Job 12:22 There are days, much like the past few, when the sha... -
"Guide me in your truth and teach me, for you are God my Savior, and my hope is in you all day long." Psalm 25:5 My intention was ... -
We move 1 week from today. My house should be declared a disaster area and the appraisal guy comes at 3 o'clock. To top this off I have...
-
"Show me your face, let me hear your voice; for your voice is sweet and your face is lovely." Song of Solomon 2:14 Stepping quiet... -
"You, O Lord, keep my lamp burning; my God turns my darkness into light..." Daddy was out of town so my little one and I slept at ...
About
- Casey
- I am a lover of: God... my sexy husband... 3 of the cutest kiddos in the world... deep friendships... a good book... music that moves me... the beach... sunshine... cooking... and laughter.
Feed
Posts
All Comments
1 Comment