Posted on December 18, 2009 · 2 Comments
"Guide me in your truth and teach me, for you are God my Savior, and my hope is in you all day long."
Psalm 25:5

Psalm 25:5

My intention was never to abandon this blog; nor was my intention for it to turn into a sad place. Yet here I am, many weeks between posts, coming to write again as my heart is heavy. The topic is the same as the last few times I've stopped in... mourning.
Most days I am good. Most days I smile, love on my child and husband, and I am happy and whole. Today, like a few other days sprinkled amongst the rest, I am sad. I am mourning a loss that was never really mine to being with.
I think this is the hardest part for me... this baby that I lost wasn't really there. There was no embryo, no fetus, no life. Just placenta and raging hormones. I cannot find comfort in the thought of a little one waiting for me in heaven because there was no little one. Yet my heart loved so deeply. And my mind raced ahead to create a new nursery in our little house. I day-dreamed of names and was aching to buy all things pink and girly.
At this point in the pregnancy we would be finding out if we were having a boy or a girl. I would be getting nice and round, being near 6 months along. I would be beseeching the Lord for a small child this time around (not the 11.2 lbs of my firstborn). I would be buying small things to hide under the tree for Jaron to open for his new sibling. As a family we would be making plans and buying a bigger car.
These days, when those thoughts fill my every moment... these are hard days. Days when bed seems like a good place to hide. When tears come and my heart struggles to remember the Hope I have found.
But I do have hope. I am confident in my gracious Redeemer, because He is gracious. He is compassionate. He is loving.* I am confident that He who began a good work in me will be faithful to complete it. I have no doubt that He is my Abba Father. My refuge, my fortress, my deliverer.
Someday, I will again hold a newborn in my arms-- one that belongs to me at least for a little while-- and I will see His goodness. I will see His love. Right now I trust in what I know to be true and I wait for the future. On a sad day, that is what brings me comfort.
*Did you know that is says that at least 6 different times in the bible? Here, here, here, here, here and here are the ones I found after a quick search.
Most days I am good. Most days I smile, love on my child and husband, and I am happy and whole. Today, like a few other days sprinkled amongst the rest, I am sad. I am mourning a loss that was never really mine to being with.
I think this is the hardest part for me... this baby that I lost wasn't really there. There was no embryo, no fetus, no life. Just placenta and raging hormones. I cannot find comfort in the thought of a little one waiting for me in heaven because there was no little one. Yet my heart loved so deeply. And my mind raced ahead to create a new nursery in our little house. I day-dreamed of names and was aching to buy all things pink and girly.
At this point in the pregnancy we would be finding out if we were having a boy or a girl. I would be getting nice and round, being near 6 months along. I would be beseeching the Lord for a small child this time around (not the 11.2 lbs of my firstborn). I would be buying small things to hide under the tree for Jaron to open for his new sibling. As a family we would be making plans and buying a bigger car.
These days, when those thoughts fill my every moment... these are hard days. Days when bed seems like a good place to hide. When tears come and my heart struggles to remember the Hope I have found.
But I do have hope. I am confident in my gracious Redeemer, because He is gracious. He is compassionate. He is loving.* I am confident that He who began a good work in me will be faithful to complete it. I have no doubt that He is my Abba Father. My refuge, my fortress, my deliverer.
Someday, I will again hold a newborn in my arms-- one that belongs to me at least for a little while-- and I will see His goodness. I will see His love. Right now I trust in what I know to be true and I wait for the future. On a sad day, that is what brings me comfort.
*Did you know that is says that at least 6 different times in the bible? Here, here, here, here, here and here are the ones I found after a quick search.
My Recipe Blog
Popular Posts
-
Here's the thing, I'm a first born. Oldest of 3 kids and the only girl. I would say that my brothers and I all fit the typical bir...
-
We are in the market for a new washer and dryer. Our new place does not have them and we have been debating going the used/Craigslist route...
-
My mom recently shared a story with me that has shifted my perspective about loving well. The story is simple and goes like this: For years...
-
He reveals the deep things of darkness and bring deep shadows into the light. Job 12:22 There are days, much like the past few, when the sha...
-
The quiet moments are the hardest. When my heart feels like it will burst and my mind wanders once again to that blank screen, that empty wo...
-
We move 1 week from today. My house should be declared a disaster area and the appraisal guy comes at 3 o'clock. To top this off I have...
-
Well, it's official. This beach lovin' family has a snow lover amongst us. To be honest and completely fair, he LOVES just about ev...
-
"Show me your face, let me hear your voice; for your voice is sweet and your face is lovely." Song of Solomon 2:14 Stepping quiet...
-
Life has been busy. Busy like the homework teachers give when they need to fill time. Or reach a quota. Seems like a lot of life is filled...
-
"Guide me in your truth and teach me, for you are God my Savior, and my hope is in you all day long." Psalm 25:5 My intention was ...
About
- Casey
- I am a lover of: God... my sexy husband... 3 of the cutest kiddos in the world... deep friendships... a good book... music that moves me... the beach... sunshine... cooking... and laughter.
Love you friend. You are in my thoughts and prayers!
Casey, I just wanted to let you know you are still in my prayers. I know our Father is holding you tightly right now as you grieve. I am so sorry, my friend.