The quiet moments are the hardest. When my heart feels like it will burst and my mind wanders once again to that blank screen, that empty womb. I waited to see a tiny heart fluttering life. All I saw was stillness. All I saw was black.

No baby. Just hormones and placenta, but no life. No heart. No tiny fingers to hold someday. No sweet lips and cheeks to kiss. No beautiful eyes to gaze into. Just nothingness.

Then hours of waiting in the hospital. Misery. Then days of waiting for answers. Anxiousness. And now emptiness and normal life co-mingle. How?

How do I go on when this ache is so deep and constant?

How do I breathe when I choke on the raw emotion lodged in my chest?

How do I find courage to hope again when the image burned in my minds eye is so bleak?

I know I will find Hope in You, but I am so lost and shattered today. So empty and angry and filled with questions.

I know You are God and You never change. I know Your love for me is greater than all the pain and bleakness. I know you are trustworthy, steadfast, faithful, kind. Right now I speak these things in faith.

My head knows, but my heart aches with doubt.

4 Responses to “Mourning”
  1. Anonymous says:

    I love you dear friend. My heart aches for you. Praying for you!

  2. Oh, Casey. I am so very sorry. Mourning with you today - much love to you.

  3. Anonymous says:

    Praying for you guys...

  4. Leanne says:

    I found you when I was visiting Life At 7000 Feet....

    And your post reached down deep to the very marrow and touched me. I understand.

    All I can say is....

    He is the life of every living thing and the breath of all mankind.

    He gives beauty for ashes.

    He gives garments of praise place of mourning...

    He will. Hold on.

    Yours Truly,

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