On my will and having Hope

It seems, as a parent, I am constantly challenged by my boy's strong will. Always figuring out ways to out-smart him... and his stubborn streak. It is hard work, let me tell ya. Yet, I am so thankful that he is strong willed. No doubt as he grows he will be firm in his beliefs and steadfast in his loyalty.

I find myself sorting through the same things in my own life. This roller coaster of wavering emotions and steady will; like one of those old wooden roller coaster that are bumpy and jarring.

I feel angry.  I will lock my eyes on His.

I feel worried. I will trust His faithfulness.

I feel frustrated.  I will rest beside His quiet waters.

I feel like moving ahead without forethought. I will wait patiently for the Lord.

These last 11 months have been rough for me personally. My first miscarriage was last autumn; the spring was filled with weeks of unexplained abdominal pain followed by ovarian surgery; and summer brought along with it a horrific mouth/jaw infection followed by miscarriage #2 only a few weeks ago.

In summary: This season in my life has sucked.
(That quote comes from my wonderful mother-in-law so I'm allowed to use it on this blog!)

I have been wandering in the desert for a long while now. Knowing in my head that God is good, but doubting in my heart. Most days I choose to follow my heart and doubt Him. Surviving off only the manna from the desert, nothing more. Those little droplets of Truth hidden in my heart, wooing me closer, even though I mostly ignored them.

Days before my second miscarriage I felt like I had finally come into the promised land. I opened up and saw His faithfulness, His steady hand in my life. I saw that He is good. He is faithful. Then, within the week I lost another baby.

To say I was (and still am) crushed is an understatement. Several days following I lived only in a place of extreme anger. Raging at God. I felt no reason to pretend with Him and I am so thankful that He can handle my anger! However, as the week went on I realized I was getting no where. My anger was accomplishing nothing but isolating me from those I love.


I recently read a quote that said, "The Lord cultivates intimacy in our relationship with Him by delaying our answer until we cry out." Before I might not have agreed with this, but now I realize that even through my wandering I was growing closer to Him. I came out of the desert with a depth of understanding I didn't have before going in. He was creating intimacy in our relationship through the wandering, and even in my anger, because all along I was crying out for Him. I was longing to hear His voice.

He never left my side. Now I have eyes to see that, and heart that believes it too.


I have now come to a place where I can stand firm on the promised land- on the freedom from my wandering. I cling to the knowledge that He is as grieved as I was/am over what I've lost. I rest in His grace because it IS enough. Even when my heart wants to disagree. Even when the anger rares up again and I want to wallow in self pity. My will stands firm. My head knows the truth and I will act out of my will until my emotions follow suit.

Some call it routine- stale, stagnant, a loss of what's sacred.

I call it survival. I see it as being faithful with what I know and what I've been given.

I call it HOPE.

And Hope does not disappoint.

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